Ever wanted to rant about something but couldn't find the time (or excuse) to write a complaint letter? All you problems are solved with the automatic complaint letter generator!

The generator can be found here

For a sample, read my rant about Van Halen:

I can only hope the readers of this letter are as outraged as I am at Van Halen. The nitty-gritty of what I'm about to write is this: It is important to realize that I will renew my resolve to reach out for things with permanence, things beyond wealth and comfort and pleasure, things that have real meaning. I know you're wondering why I just wrote that. I'll explain shortly, but first, I should state that if Van Halen thinks I'm too ribald to warn the public against those spineless gadflies whose positive accomplishments are always practically nil, but whose conceit can scarcely be excelled, it's sadly mistaken. Looking at it another way, I, for one, would never take a job working for Van Halen. Given its grungy methods of interpretation, who would want to? Think about that for a moment. I certainly hate having to keep reminding everybody of this, but in order to call a spade a spade, we must give the needy a helping hand, as opposed to an elbow in the face. And that's just the first step. Remember, an organization that wants to get ahead should try to understand the long-range consequences of its litanies. Van Halen has never had that faculty. It always does what it wants to do at the moment and figures it'll be able to lie itself out of any problems that arise. It is apparent to me that it's possible that Van Halen doesn't realize this because it has been ingrained with so much of animalism's propaganda. If that's the case, I recommend that we fight for our freedom of speech.

In particular, if Van Halen wants to complain, it should have an argument. It shouldn't just throw out the word "interdestructiveness", for example, and expect us to be scared. Already, some homophobic, lethargic Huns have begun to turn back the clock and repeal all the civil rights and anti-discrimination legislation now on the books, and with terrifying and tragic results. What excuses will follow from their camp is anyone's guess. As annoying as Van Halen's jeremiads are, now that I've been exposed to Van Halen's insults, I must admit that I don't completely understand them. Perhaps I need to get out more. Or perhaps it's irrelevant that my allegations are 100% true. Van Halen distrusts my information and arguments and will forever maintain its current opinions. After having read this, you may think that Van Halen fears nothing more than the exposure of its motives and activities. Nevertheless, you should always remember that debate with Van Halen or a search for common ground is both a fruitless exercise and a suicidal strategy.

Further, no mention of Van Halen cannot be made without some reference to David Lee Roth. There are a number of things I could have chosen to write about in this letter. I could have chosen to write about how David Lee Roth's morally crippled deeds run counter to human nature and, as such, are doomed to failure. Or I might have chosen to write something about the way that dichotomous thinking has stymied his ability to reach solutions. But, instead, I've decided to devote this entire letter to explaining how one could make a strong argument that the majority of quasi-heinous bums probably agree that Roth's philippics were designed from day one to irrationalize thinking on every issue. I begin with critical semantic clarifications. First, my cause is to weaken the critical links in Roth's nexus of contumelious communism. I call upon men and women from all walks of life to support my cause with their life-affirming eloquence and indomitable spirit of human decency and moral righteousness. Only then will the whole world realize that it is more than a purely historical question to ask, "How did Roth's reign of terror start?" or even the more urgent question, "How might it end?". No, we must ask, "Whatever happened to community standards?" Here's the answer, albeit in a somewhat circuitous and roundabout style: I wonder if Roth really believes the things he says. He knows they're not true, doesn't he? Before you answer, let me point out that Roth considers it fair game to fortify a social correctness that restricts experience and defines success with narrow boundaries. I always catch hell whenever I say something like that, so let me assure you that he wants all of us to believe that he can walk on water. That's why he sponsors brainwashing in the schools, brainwashing by the government, brainwashing statements made to us by politicians, entertainers, and sports stars, and brainwashing by the big advertisers and the news media. That's all I have time now to write. If you want to get more insight into David Lee Roth's mentality, though, then study the details of his anecdotes. Try to see the big picture: It will amaze you. It will take your breath away. And it will convince you that it remains to be seen if Roth will defile the air and water in the name of profit in a matter of days.

[ March 30, 2001 at 06:00 AM: Message edited by: Stuff No More ]