this woman was talking to a friend about her relationship with her husband was fading because they dint have the same interests,the friend told her to try to get into something her husband enjoyed,so she went to a baseball game with him...well the first pitch was thrown,the batter had a hit and took off,the husband jumped up and shouted "run mothafucker run"seeing this the wife did the same,the next batter...the pitch was thrown,hit,and the batter took off!,the husband shouted run muthafucker run,wife did same...next batter-pitcher throws...ball 1,next pitch ball 2,then 3,and 4...batter starts to first,the wife jumped up and shouted run mutha,husband jerks her down before she finiishes...HE AINT GOTTA RUN,HE GOT 4 BALLS!...SHE JUMPED UP AND SHOUTED "STRUT MUTHAFUCKER STRUTT!!!"
Bob is walking down the street with his pet duck when he runs across a movie theater. He thinks "damn,I haven't been to a movie in awhile, I think I'll go in & see this one". He walks up to pay when the lady at the counter says "No". Bob says "why not?" She says "no pets allowed"! So Bob turns around & walks down the street.
He stops & says "I'm not walking all the way home just for a stupid duck" so he decides to hide the duck in his pants! He walks back to the theater, pays & walks in and sits down. Just as he sits down, he remembers his duck in his pants. He thinks "oh shit - I better give the duck some air so he unzips his pants.
Sitting next to Bob were 2 older ladies named Ethel & Edith. Ethel looks over at Edith & says " look - that guy sitting next to me has his pants undone"! Edith says "oh once you've seen one - YOU'VE SEEN EM' ALL". Ethel respondes "yeah but this one is eating my popcorn".
Classic shit Nightprowler!LMAO
Inventor of the "Boobie Shot"
A.D. for life...
yeah... i had to write the duck joke down...now if i can jus memorize it.lol
>>Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
>>reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
>>The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors
>>changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
>>This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
>>council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go!
>>Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
>>Then came "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good.
>>How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again.
>>So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go.
>>Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and
>>Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons" work either.
>>Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a
>>business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council:
>>"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
>> > Subject: FW: Virus Warnings
>> > Virus WarningsThis is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new
>> > viruses
>> > have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national
>> > system.
>> > Beware of...
>> > THE CLINTON Virus....
>> > (Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
>> > THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...
>> > (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
>> > THE LEWINSKY virus...
>> > (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
>> > Emails everyone about what it did)
>> > THE RONALD REAGAN virus....
>> > (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
>> > THE MIKE TYSON virus....
>> > (Quits after two bytes)
>> > THE OPRAH WINFREY virus....
>> > (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly
>> > expands to stabilize around 200mb)
>> > THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus....
>> > (Deletes all old files)
>> > THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus...
>> > (Disks can no longer be inserted)
>> > THE PROZAC virus....
>> > (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
>> > THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
>> > (Only attacks minor files)
>> > THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...
>> > (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
>> > and my personal favorite...
>> > THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
>> > (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then
>> > discards it through Windows)
"Eddie Van Halen? That man could play a symphony with his ass hairs"-some old man
Okay - this is a long one, but I think you guys will like it.
This is too funny...
Just keep in mind this was on live radio.
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes,
usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring
someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship.
If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary
from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and
work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they
This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"? * Contestant:
(laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only please. * Contestant:
DJ: Are you married or what Brian? * Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are married? or what?
Brianlaughing nervously) Yes I am married.
DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name?
First only please Brian.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man.
Brian: About 8 O'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well. * DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have
said that if it there weren't a trip at stake. Brian: Yeah, it would be
really nice. DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex
at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm*.
DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it? Brian: Not that it was all that
great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of
weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last
hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on
hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
(Advertisements) DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? *
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? * Clerk: This is she. DJ:
Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a
couple of hours now Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian
knows not to give away any answers or you lose soooooooo do you know the
rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to? Brian:
Just answer his questions honestly OK? * Sara: Oh,Brian DJ: Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly
what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our
expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, Sea World and tickets
to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it Sara? SARA! GET IT
Orlando Magic, they are on strike Sara helloooooo anyone home?!?!
Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes. * Brian: (laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian..this morning before Brian went to
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8 I think.
(sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12*15 minutes maybe.
Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is
trying not nto harm his manhood. DJ: Well, we will give you that
Last question: Where did you do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!
Brian: Just tell him honey.
DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara?
Sara: Well It's just just that my mom is vacationing with us
DJ: SHE SAW?!?!
Brian: NO, no I didn't say that.
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord*..I cannot believe you told them this. * Brian: Come on
honey it's for a trip to Florida. DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got
all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: (long pause) In the ass.
DJ: We will be right back. * (advertisements) DJ: I am sorry for
that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do
Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando,Florida***.
*gulp* - Down In Flames
"...like falling down the stairs and landing on your feet." - Edward Van Halen describing his solos.
"I'm not scared of you punk - I got chunks of guys like you in my stools!" - "Sinatra" to "Billy Idol" on SNL
This old lady in a nursing home mistakenly gets a hold of some Viagra. Thinking it's her medicine she takes it.
After a few hours she starts feelin' a bit frisky. So she thinks "what the hell, I ain't had a man in years" so she goes looking for some action!
She puts on her best nighty, grabs her walker, and heads down the hall. At the end of the hall sits Frank.
She walks up to him, pulls up her nighty (exposing her aged body) and yells SUPER PUSSY! Frank looks on in amazement then says "Not me - why don't you try Bob, he's down at the other end of the hall. So she pulls her nighty down & heads the other way.
As she gets closer, she notices Bob sitting all alone at the end of the hall. She thinks "this is my lucky day". When she gets to Bob, she gives him a loving look and pulls up her nighty (exposing her aged body)! All at once she yells "SUPER PUSSY". Bob - startled at this point looks around and replies "Soup"!
I.A.D.R. for life...
A.D. for life...
A father is with his 8 year old son in a convenience store shopping. They happen to walk down the isle with condoms in it. The boy, confused, points to a pack and says, "What are these, balloons?"
The dad, after chuckling a bit, says, "No, son, those are prophylactics."
The son thinks about it for a minute and says, "Well dad, why are there two in the pack?"
The dad replies, "Son, those are for high school students. One for Friday and one for Saturday."
The son points to another pack and says, "Well, why are there four in this one?"
The dad replies, "Son, those are for college students. Two for Friday and two for Saturday."
The son again points to another pack and says, "Well, why are there six in this one?"
The dad replies, once again, "Son, those are for graduated bachelors. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, one for Wednesday, one for Thursday, one for Friday, and one for Saturday."
And one last time the boy points to another pack. "Well, Dad, this one has TWELVE in it! What it this one for?"
The dad replies one last time. "Well, see son, those are for married people. One for January, one for February..."
Fall in line, say the word...
VHLinks Forum Moderator (Opinions)
Up Front Fanatics!
That was a classic! Keep them coming.
You, me and TACCONARE?
"I still dream big thanx to Van Halen" -Eddie_Italian
Incredibly lame but it made me laugh.
2 strips of bacon are sittin on a frying pan. one strip says to the other, "sure is hot in here." the other strip goes..."shit...talking bacon?!?!?!"
2 condoms walk past a gay bar. one condom says to the other "hey, lets go in and get shit faced."
Come on peeps! Tell us your jokes. Everybody needs a good laugh to get thru the day. No matter how short or long - we promise we'll smile! That's what counts.
I.A.D.R. for life...
A.D. for life...
>> > It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just
>> > up.
>> > Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He
>> > looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
>> > "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
>> > Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.He looks into
>> > his
>> > big bowl. It is also empty!
>> > "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
>> > Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from
>> > the kitchen and yells,
>> > "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go
>> > through this?
>> > It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
>> > It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.
>> > It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
>> > everything away.
>> > It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch
>> > the
>> > newspaper.
>> > It was Mummy Bear who set the table.
>> > It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the
>> > litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.
>> > And now that you've decided to come down stairs and
>> > grace me with your presence....listen good because I'm only going
>> > to say this one more time.......
>> > I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!
Great jokes! Keep em' coming.
I.A.D.R. for life...
A.D. for life...
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