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  1. #1
    Baluchitherium
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    << These are things people actually said in court, word for word,
    > taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
    > staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: What is your date of birth?
    > A: July fifteenth.
    > Q: What year?
    > A: Every year.
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    > A: Yes.
    > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    > A: I forget.
    > Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
    > forgotten?
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
    > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    > Q: How long has he lived with you?
    > A: Forty-five years.
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
    > morning?
    > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    > Q: And why did that upset you?
    > A: My name is Susan.
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: And where was the location of the accident?
    > A: Approximately milepost 499.
    > Q: And where is milepost 499?
    > A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
    > A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
    > A: After the accident?
    > Q: Before the accident.
    > A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
    > occult?
    > A: We both do.
    > Q: Voodoo?
    > A: We do.
    > Q: You do?
    > A: Yes, voodoo.
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
    > lights flashing?
    > A: Yes.
    > Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
    > A: Yes, sir.
    > Q: What did she say?
    > A: What disco am I at?
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    > A: Yes.
    > Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: She had three children, right?
    > A: Yes.
    > Q: How many were boys?
    > A: None.
    > Q: Were there any girls?
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
    > A: Yes.
    > Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    > A: By death.
    > Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: Can you describe the individual?
    > A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    > Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
    > which I sent to your attorney?
    > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    > -----------------------------------------------
    > Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
    > to?
    > A: Oral.
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
    > autopsy.
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    > ----------------------------------------------
    > Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    > A: No.
    > Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    > A: No.
    > Q: Did you check for breathing?
    > A: No.
    > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
    > autopsy?
    > A: No.
    > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    > Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    > A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
    > somewhere.
    > >>

  2. #2
    Red-Balled Mammoth
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    Some people are stupid!!!! I think I've read that last one before. So true

    ------------------
    "God bless ya southern California, you people are bad-asssss"-DLR at the '83 Us Festival.
    "No, that's not a microphone in my pants. I'm just happy to see ya, Californiaaaaaa!"-DLR at the '83 Us Festival

  3. #3
    XTC man! homeunit's Avatar
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    09.05.15 @ 12:20 PM
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    Lmao

  4. #4
    Ed6150
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  5. #5
    Good Enough Cabo Kid's Avatar
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    08.27.15 @ 02:07 AM
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    Donor

    How about this one? I read it on here a few months ago and thought of it as an "urban legend" but it happened to ME personally this past Tuesday. Went something like this...

    CK: "KCMQ"
    Caller: "Yeah, I wanna hear a song"
    CK: "OK, which one?"
    Caller: "I wanna hear 'Changed' by Van Halen since you said you had the new cd's"
    CK: "You want to hear 'Unchained'??"
    Caller: "Yeah, that's the one...thanks" (hangs up)
    CK: "Dumb ass" (hangs up and plays the song anyway)

    ------------------
    Hello...please stick with us...we have a minor problem...I gotta go to the bathroom...I'll be back in 10 minutes.

    -Eddie Van Halen 8/13/98

  6. #6
    Super Duper Frontman YankeeRose's Avatar
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    12.11.17 @ 05:55 PM
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    Liked 197 Times in 123 Posts

    Lol! Good Stuff Angel!

    ------------------
    Right Now you're reading my post!
    Here's a shot heard round the world...
    Sometimes I just want to do nothing...

  7. #7
    Baluchitherium
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    > I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right
    > in front of a pick-up truck causing him to have to drive on to the
    > shoulder.
    > This evidently ticked the driver off enough, that he hung out his window
    > and flipped the woman off.
    >
    > "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely
    > and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
    > traffic and here's why.
    >
    > I drive 38 miles each way to work every day. That's 76 miles.
    >
    > Of these, 16 miles each way, is bumper-to-bumper traffic. Most of the
    > bumper-to-bumper traffic is on an 8 lane highway, so if you look just at
    > the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like one car every
    > 40 feet per lane.
    >
    > That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
    >
    > That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31424 cars.
    >
    > Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper traffic, I
    > figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
    >
    > That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
    >
    > Statistically half of these cars are driven by females. That's 18,000.
    >
    > In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their
    > period. That's 642.
    >
    > According to Cosmopolitan, 70 % describe of women their love life as
    > dissatisfying or unrewarding. 70% of 642 is 449.
    >
    > According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
    > seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
    >
    > And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
    >
    > According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry
    > weapons and this number is increasing.
    >
    > That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that,
    > has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
    > considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period,
    > and is armed.
    >
    > So. No matter what she does in traffic , I wouldn't DREAM of flipping
    > her off!!

  8. #8
    Banned!
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    09.26.17 @ 02:05 PM
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