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Thread: Catholics...

  1. #1
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    GOTCHA!!!! [img]tongue.gif[/img]

    Joke emailed from a friend...

    Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man, " replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. " Nice Boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?
    <a href="http://www.vhwalkathon.org" target="_blank">VHWalkathon - Project 316</a><br /><br />EVH: The music is first and foremost. That's the way it's always been and that's the way it will always be. Because without the music, what is there? Nothing. There's nothing without the music. You can't even cop an attitude without the music (laughs).

  2. #2
    Eruption
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    01.23.09 @ 11:26 AM
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    When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse?

    Look for the nurse with dirty knees and swollen lips!
    Plstrcast everywhere else, Smudge NYC here.. so kiss my arse!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/smudgenyc" target="_blank">http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/smudgenyc</a>

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    01.23.09 @ 11:26 AM
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    Adam asks God, "How come all the animals have both males and females, yet I am alone upon this earth?"

    And God replies, "I have saved the best for last. For you I have planed Woman. She will cook for you, clean for you, take care of your every need. Your life will be sheer pleasure."

    "Sounds great!", says Adam. "What will it cost me?"

    "An arm, A leg, and your left eye"

    Adam gets a bit worried. "That sounds like an awfully high price to pay. What can I get for just a rib?..."
    Plstrcast everywhere else, Smudge NYC here.. so kiss my arse!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/smudgenyc" target="_blank">http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/smudgenyc</a>

  4. #4
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    01.23.09 @ 11:26 AM
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    How do you get a nun pregnant?

    - Dress her as an altar boy
    Plstrcast everywhere else, Smudge NYC here.. so kiss my arse!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/smudgenyc" target="_blank">http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/smudgenyc</a>

  5. #5
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    a cop saw a speeding van on the highway and had the driver pull over. Upon getting to the van, he discovered a nun behind the wheel.
    "Morning Sister. You know you were speeding, right?" he said to her
    "I was? But the sign says 95," she replied.
    THe officer smiled. "No sister, that's the highway. I95."
    "Oh I am so sorry," fluttered the nun. The officer then took a look into the back where he found three other nuns shaking horribly.
    "Are they okay, Sister?"
    "oh yes," exclaimed the nun. "They have been doing that since Highway 119."
    The pessimist says the cup is half empty. The optimist says it's half full. The pragmatist says its liquid contents are at 50% capacity. The ironist says its half full of air. The plumber says the cup must be leaking. George Carlin says the cup is too big. The Starbucks employee says its so you have room for cream. The conspiracy theorist says aliens took the other half. The baseball player says his cup is definitely full. MacGuyver says he can build a powerful explosive with it. The psychoanalyst says the cup is your mother. The punk sitting next to you also says the cup is your mother. The romance novelist says the cup is a willing receptacle to the wild gushing torrents of pure passion from the hard chiseled urn. The zen master says There is no cup. Pamela Anderson says her cups are definitely full. Me? Refill!

  6. #6
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    a devout Catholic goes to a party, has one too many to drink, and ends up getting a blow job from this chick. When he wakes up, he is ashamed and goes to Church for confession. He was hessitant to go into the confessional, afraid of what Father might say ot him. Fixing the altar for mass was an alter server. The guy approached the alter server and asked if he could ask a question.. THe alter server put down hischores and gave the man his full attention.
    "Is father giving penance today?
    "yes, he is sir" The man fumbled with his hands.
    "DO oyu know what he gives for blow jobs?"
    The altar boy smiled and replied, "Milk and cookies!"
    The pessimist says the cup is half empty. The optimist says it's half full. The pragmatist says its liquid contents are at 50% capacity. The ironist says its half full of air. The plumber says the cup must be leaking. George Carlin says the cup is too big. The Starbucks employee says its so you have room for cream. The conspiracy theorist says aliens took the other half. The baseball player says his cup is definitely full. MacGuyver says he can build a powerful explosive with it. The psychoanalyst says the cup is your mother. The punk sitting next to you also says the cup is your mother. The romance novelist says the cup is a willing receptacle to the wild gushing torrents of pure passion from the hard chiseled urn. The zen master says There is no cup. Pamela Anderson says her cups are definitely full. Me? Refill!

  7. #7
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    08.17.07 @ 05:09 PM
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    LMAO!

    I was thinking... [img]graemlins/wtf.gif[/img] It's not Lent... the bishops haven't even MET yet... now what the hell... [img]graemlins/irked.gif[/img]

    Good one! [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]
    "May you die at age 128, in bed, shot to death by a jealous lover" DLR 2002

  8. #8
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    &gt; &gt; A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when
    &gt; &gt; he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt; SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    &gt; &gt; HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    &gt; &gt; 10 MILES
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt; He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on
    &gt; &gt; without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt; SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    &gt; &gt; HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    &gt; &gt; 5 MILES
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt; Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.
    &gt; &gt; Then he drives past a third sign saying:
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt; SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
    &gt; &gt; HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    &gt; &gt; NEXT RIGHT
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt; His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
    &gt; &gt; On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building
    &gt; &gt; with a small sign next to the door reading:
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt; SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt; He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered
    &gt; &gt; by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
    &gt; &gt; "What may we do for you, my son?"
    &gt; &gt; He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway,
    &gt; &gt; and was interested in possibly doing business."
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt; "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many
    &gt; &gt; winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt; The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
    &gt; &gt; "Please knock on this door."
    &gt; &gt; He does as he is told and this door is answered by another
    &gt; &gt; nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,
    &gt; &gt; "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden
    &gt; &gt; door at the end of this hallway."
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt; He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's
    &gt; &gt; cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
    &gt; &gt; pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him,
    &gt; &gt; he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small
    &gt; &gt; sign:
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt;
    &gt; &gt; GO IN PEACE
    &gt; &gt; YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
    &gt; &gt; BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br />God Bless the USA!!!!<br />~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  9. #9
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    Originally posted by LA:
    LMAO!

    I was thinking... [img]graemlins/wtf.gif[/img] It's not Lent... the bishops haven't even MET yet... now what the hell... [img]graemlins/irked.gif[/img]

    Good one! [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]
    <a href="http://www.vhwalkathon.org" target="_blank">VHWalkathon - Project 316</a><br /><br />EVH: The music is first and foremost. That's the way it's always been and that's the way it will always be. Because without the music, what is there? Nothing. There's nothing without the music. You can't even cop an attitude without the music (laughs).

  10. #10
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    Morning Prayer

    Dear Lord,

    So far today Lord, I've done alright. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, nor over-indulgent. And I'm very thankful to you for that.

    But..........In a few minutes, Lord, I'm probably going to need a lot more help because I'm going to get out of bed!!!!!
    <a href="http://www.vhwalkathon.org" target="_blank">VHWalkathon - Project 316</a><br /><br />EVH: The music is first and foremost. That's the way it's always been and that's the way it will always be. Because without the music, what is there? Nothing. There's nothing without the music. You can't even cop an attitude without the music (laughs).

  11. #11
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    Donor

    A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the
    ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back,
    a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him.

    Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it
    over the little guy, reviving him.

    "Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me
    fair and square.
    Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

    "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't
    want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize.
    I didn't mean to hit you."
    And the golfer walks off.

    "What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair
    and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give
    him three things I would want --- a great golf game, all the money he ever
    needs, and a fantastic sex life."

    A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back,
    hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for
    him.

    "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I
    wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

    "That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous
    international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to
    see you're all right. "Oh, I'm fine now, thakee. I did that fer yer golf
    game. And tell me, how's yer money?"

    "Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my
    pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

    "I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"

    "The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says
    shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose."

    "C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many
    times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once-- sometimes
    twice a week."

    "What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a
    week?"
    "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic
    priest in a small parish."

  12. #12
    Test5150
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    On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

    After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

    "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

    St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

  13. #13
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    Originally posted by Chelle:
    On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

    After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

    "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

    St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
    [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]
    <a href="http://www.vhwalkathon.org" target="_blank">VHWalkathon - Project 316</a><br /><br />EVH: The music is first and foremost. That's the way it's always been and that's the way it will always be. Because without the music, what is there? Nothing. There's nothing without the music. You can't even cop an attitude without the music (laughs).

  14. #14
    Hang 'Em High Stuff No More's Avatar
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    01.08.05 @ 11:08 AM
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    When God finished creating all there was he had two things left in his bag. He decided to go ahead and give them to man and woman.

    "Adam," God said, "I have two things left in my bag to give you two. Since I'm fair and I made you first, you can choose which one you want."

    "Okay," Adam responded. "What's in the bag."

    "Well," God said, reaching into it, "first I have the ability to pee standing up."

    "Wow!" Adam shouted for joy. "I have to have that! Imagine the time I'd save! Give it to me!"

    "Are you sure?" God said. "I haven't told you what else is in there."

    "I don't care," Adam answered with resolve. "I want to pee standing up."

    "Fine, fine." God gave Adam the ability to pee standing up. "Then," he said, turning to Eve, "you get what's left. Multiple orgasms."
    "Just once I'd like to do the right thing and not get punished for it."

  15. #15
    Hot For Teacher
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    A taxi driver stops o pick up his next passenger. into his cab gets a nun. she tells him the address and he begins driving...

    as usual the driver starts a conversation, asking how she is etc and soon the topic comes to sex...

    "what's it like living your whole life abstaining from sex?" he asks her

    "well i only refrain from full intercourse, i am willing to do other things" she tells him "i do give bl*w j*bs but only if the man meets certain requirements"

    of course the driver would hate to pass up this opportunity so asks if she'll perform the deed on him if he meets her 2 requirements and to his suprise she agrees.

    "are you catholic?" she asks

    "of course sister! it's the only true faith"

    "are you single?"

    "yes sister i am" he answers

    this satisfies the nun and the driver finds a suitable place to park where she performs the deed.

    "i must confess something sister, i'm protestant and i'm married with 3 kids!" the driver says excitedly

    "i have to confess something to...my name's brian and i'm on my way to a fancy dress party!"

 

 

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