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Thread: More Jokes 4U

  1. #1
    Baluchitherium
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    > > > >> > >> > A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
    > > > >> > >> > A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down
    > > > >> > >> > the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
    > > > >> > >> >
    > > > >> > >> > At the old man's follow up visit the doctor said to the old
    > > > >> > >> > man, "Looks like you're really doing great, aren't you?"
    > > > >> > >> >
    > > > >> > >> > The old man replied, "Yup, just doing what you said
    > > > >> > >> > Doctor, Get a hot mamma and be cheerful"
    > > > >> > >> >
    > > > >> > >> > The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a
    > > > >> > >> > heart murmur and be careful."
    > > > >> > >>
    > > >
    > >

  2. #2
    Baluchitherium
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    > While out one morning in the park, a jogger found
    > a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around
    > it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
    > Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing,
    > waiting for the lights to change.
    > A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts
    > "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
    > "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
    > >
    > "Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I
    >
    > had tennis elbow once."

  3. #3
    Baluchitherium
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    >READ THE FOLLOWING SIX STATEMENTS AND THE AMAZING CONCLUSION THEY
    LEAD
    > > >TO:
    > > >1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
    > > >2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
    > > >3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
    > > >4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
    > > >5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
    > > >6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
    > > >
    > > >AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure,
    the
    > > >smaller your balls become.

  4. #4
    Baluchitherium
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    >> > AUSTIN POWERS PICK UP LINES
    >> > > I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long, baby
    >> > > Nice legs...what time do they open?
    >> > > You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
    >> > > I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
    tonight.
    >> > > Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
    >> > > Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
    >> > > I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
    >> > > Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
    >> > > Are those real?
    >> > > I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for
    >> > that
    >> > > thing you do with your tongue.
    >> > > If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
    >> > > (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself,
    >> > baby...
    >> > > You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
    >> > > You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
    >> > > Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
    >> > > Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom
    floor.
    >> > > My name is Austin... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
    >> > > Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
    >> > > Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
    >> > > Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
    >> > > I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been
    >drinking?
    >> >
    >> > > If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we
    >> > could
    >> > > do it in public.
    >> > > Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like
    pizza?
    >> > > Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without
    >me.
    >> > > Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
    >> >
    >
    >

  5. #5
    Baluchitherium
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    PAR WHAT?

    Sally and Eric are in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to
    consummate their marriage.=20

    Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed. I've had
    sex with one other man before I met you."=20

    Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?"=20
    Sally replies, "The famous golfer, Jack Nicklaus."=20

    They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of
    bed and begins to put on his underwear.=20

    "What are you doing?" asks Sally.=20
    "I thought I'd get dressed and fix some coffee."=20

    Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."=20
    "No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"=20
    "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."=20
    "All right!" says Eric, "Let's go."=20

    They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time.=20
    Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear.=20
    "What are you doing?" asks Sally.=20
    "I thought I'd dress and get some coffee."=20

    Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."=20
    "No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?"=20
    "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."=20

    Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place.=20
    Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and
    tries to get a leg in his underwear.=20
    "What are you doing?" asks Sally. "Going for a cup of..."=20

    Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that."=20
    "No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done now?"=20
    "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."=20

    Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone.=20

    "Who are you calling?" Sally asks.=20

    "Jack Nicklaus. I want to find out what par is on this freaking hole!"


  6. #6
    Baluchitherium
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    > > >Growth Spurt
    > > >When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying
    > > >erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several
    weeks
    > > >his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
    > > >Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a
    prominent
    > > >urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to
    the
    > > >couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through
    > > >corrective surgery.
    > > >"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
    > > >"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised
    doctor.
    > > >"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs,
    aren't
    > > >you?"

  7. #7
    Baluchitherium
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    > Remember; Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
    > It's TRUE! Statistically 100% of all divorces started with
    > marriage!
    >=20
    > I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
    >=20
    > I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to
    > interrupt her.
    >=20
    > Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
    > suffering.
    >=20
    > The last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I
    > said "Dust!"
    >=20
    > In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
    > Then God created man and rested.
    > Then God created woman and since then neither God nor man has
    > rested.
    >=20
    > Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
    >=20
    > What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
    >=20
    > A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
    > and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
    > She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
    >=20
    > Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
    >=20
    > Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a
    > man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
    > Dad: That happens in every country, son.
    >=20
    > A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day
    > he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
    > have
    > mine."
    >=20
    > The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
    > once.
    >=20
    > First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're
    > lucky, mine's still alive."
    >=20
    > How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry
    > done for free.
    >=20
    > Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
    > thinking they had no faults at all.
    >=20
    > If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to
    > every word you say, talk in your sleep.
    >=20
    > Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
    > was until I got married; and then it was too late."
    >=20
    > A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
    > get married?"
    > The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying.

  8. #8
    Atomic Punk Wolfman's Avatar
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    07.20.17 @ 03:43 PM
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    Thanks Angel - the Austin Powers stuff is killing me. If you cause laughter that gets me fired from my job, I'll be sure to let you know.

    ------------------

    "Kissing my ass won't do anything but give you bad breath." -sherman

    *gulp* - Down In Flames

    "Come on FORD, tell us how you really feel." - Said by virtually every member of VHLinks at one time or another.

  9. #9
    Baluchitherium
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    They might see you as a really happy person and give you a raise

  10. #10
    Atomic Punk Wolfman's Avatar
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    True, true. Good point.

    ------------------

    "Kissing my ass won't do anything but give you bad breath." -sherman

    *gulp* - Down In Flames

    "Come on FORD, tell us how you really feel." - Said by virtually every member of VHLinks at one time or another.

  11. #11
    Eruption
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    Ok here's a tasteless gay joke. If it offends you don't read it.

    There was these two gay lovers who lived together. One morning one of the fellas was in the bathroom smearing vaseline all over his chest when the other guy walked in. "What are you doing putting that vaseline all over your chest?" the second guy asked. The first fella said "haven't you heard that rubbing vaseline all over your chest will make your hair grow?" The second lover says "that's bullshit, if that was true you would have a pony tail growing out your ass!"

    ------------------
    500 horses and a Chrysler mill, makes the Limecuda the king of the hill

  12. #12
    Baluchitherium
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    PILOTS
    >>> >
    >>> > A new pilot took his girlfriend on his first nighttime "solo"
    flight.
    >>
    >>> > He
    >>> > wanted to be really cool, so as he was approaching the small field
    to
    >>> > land,
    >>> > instead of making the usual official requests to the tower, he just
    >>> > said:
    >>> >
    >>> > "Guess whoooo?"
    >>> >
    >>> > Without missing a beat, the controller switched off the field
    lights
    >>> > and
    >>> >
    >>> > said:
    >>> >
    >>> > "Guess whereee...
    >>> >
    >>> > *******************************************
    >>> >
    >>> > PILOTS???
    >>> >
    >>> >
    >>> > Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to
    >>> > leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff
    >>> > has
    >>> > assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can
    >>> > take off immediately there after.
    >>> >
    >>> > The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in
    >>> > pilots' uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a
    >>> > seeing-eye
    >>> > dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white,
    >>tipped
    >>> >
    >>> > cane.
    >>> >
    >>> >
    >>> > Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the
    >>> > cockpit.
    >>> >
    >>> > The door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin
    >>> > glancing
    >>> > around nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little
    >>> > practical joke.
    >>> >
    >>> > None is forthcoming.
    >>> >
    >>> > The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the
    >>> > windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the
    >>water
    >>> > at
    >>> >
    >>> > the end of the airport's property. It begins to look as though the
    >>> > plane
    >>> > will
    >>> > never take off - that it will plow into the water!! Panicked
    screams
    >>> > fill
    >>> > the cabin -- but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the
    >>air.
    >>> >
    >>> > The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have
    >>> > all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the
    >>> > plane is in good hands.
    >>> >
    >>> > Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You
    >>> > know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and
    >>> > we're
    >>> > all gonna die?!"
    >>> >
    >>> > ************************************************** ***
    >>> >
    >>> >
    >>> > A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to
    >>fly.
    >>> >
    >>> > As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to
    instruct
    >>> > her
    >>> >
    >>> > by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.
    >>> >
    >>> > He took her out, showed her how to start it, gave her
    >>> > the basics and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000
    >>> > feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view
    >>> > is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
    >>> >
    >>> > After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was
    >>> > to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet,
    >>> > and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
    >>> >
    >>> > A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed
    >>> > about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from
    >>> > the wreckage.
    >>> >
    >>> > When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!
    >>> > Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was
    >>> > starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after
    >>> > I turned off the big fan!"
    >>> >
    >>> >
    >>> > **************************************************
    >>> >
    >>> >
    >>> > Seeking Assistance
    >>> >
    >>> > A man went to see his Rabbi. He stated in a very serious tone,
    >>""Rabbi,
    >>> > something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
    >>> >
    >>> > The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
    >>> >
    >>> > The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
    >>> >
    >>> > The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?"
    >>> >
    >>> > The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning
    >>me,
    >>> > what should I do?"
    >>> >
    >>> > The Rabbi then said, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see
    >>what
    >>> > I
    >>> > can find out and I'll let you know."
    >>> >
    >>> > A week later the Rabbi called the man and said,
    >>> > "Well, I spoke to your wife.
    >>> >
    >>> > I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
    >>> >
    >>> > You want my advice?"
    >>> >
    >>> > The man anxiously replied, "Yes."
    >>> >
    >>> > "Take the poison," said the Rabbi. >>

 

 

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