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  1. #1
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    06.08.07 @ 11:27 AM
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    ATHENS, GA—Heather Blake, a University of Georgia business major with unbelievably beautiful eyes and a totally killer body, is also way psycho, sources close to the popular 21-year-old reported Monday.

    "Heather's this weirdo combination of incredible love goddess and, like, freako banshee demon from beyond hell," said Georgia senior Brad Carver, who noted that he has been there, man, been there. "She made my freshman year a complete and total living nightmare. I made out with her once behind the stairs in the Physical Science Building. It was the single greatest moment of my life."

    Campus-wide sources said the amazingly hot Blake, who works at the reception desk in the bursar's office, isn't just built like, kapow, but also has the most incredible, luscious hair ever.

    "That one really hot chick from the bursar's office is way fucked in the head and everybody knows it," junior Steve Bittan said. "Don't even start with her, no matter how bad you want to."

    According to Bittan, Blake gets all pissed off if someone is staring at her, but she goes out of her way to make searing, prolonged eye contact with anyone who doesn't.

    "Blake The Flake, they call her," Bittan said. "I once saw her in a bikini. Oh, God, I won't even go into it."

    Though Blake has never been diagnosed with a mental illness, the increasing number of reports since her arrival on campus in 1996 have caused her sanity to be called into question.

    "That chick has a weird history, man. She's bad news, plain and simple," said Matt Weiler, 21, who went on a date with Blake two years ago. "I think she might have one of those attention-seeking disorders or like an inability to grasp reality or something like that."

    "Shit, I've got to talk to her again, if only to hear her voice," Weiler added. "You know, she called me her soulmate for life on that night we were together."

    Sophomore Dave Elgin said that on May 22, he spent over four hours fixing Blake's car, only to be told afterwards that it really meant a lot to her because the car was "a gift from a very special guy" with whom she really thought she might be falling in love. Blake then told him she wasn't sure she could ever really love the other man fully, however, after meeting someone as kind and generous as Elgin.

    Other evidence of Blake's psycho mental status includes a June 3 incident in which she stayed up until 4 a.m. curled up against senior Rob Pollian on his couch, telling him all her sexual fantasies, only to become enraged when he attempted to kiss her.

    A number of individuals within the desperately-trying-to-make-it-with-Heather-Blake community have even suggested that she ought to be locked up or something for all the shit she's done.

    According to Bryce Meyers, 22, Blake told him last November that he was the last guy on Earth she'd ever want to go out with "because she would never want to hurt anyone so important to her," right before kissing him and running out of the room.

    "I couldn't believe the kind of crap she pulled," Meyers said. "When she was doing a semester abroad in Spain, we were on the phone constantly, and I ran up this humongous phone bill talking about how I was going to come visit her over winter break. She was all like, 'I can't wait to be near you,' and 'I need to feel you close to me.' Then, when I show up in Madrid, she meets me at the airport and says, 'I'd like to introduce you to my boyfriend Carlos.' I'm standing there thinking, 'Well, Christ, man, who the fuck is Carlos?'"

    As so many others have, Meyers forgave Blake because of her mental condition.

    "She's crazy, man. What can you do?" Meyers said. "You know, Heather used to tell me that it's really hard for her just to be happy some days. I guess it totally sucks being so beautiful because of all the expectations that are placed on you."

    According to those close to Blake, the link between her mind-blowing good looks and out-of-her-tree psycho head trips is undeniable.

    "Heather's just totally got everybody in the palm of her hand," said Ryan McEachern, a friend of Blake's since high school. "Obviously, having everybody always wanting her so bad has, like, screwed with her self-esteem and shit. But maybe if she just met a guy who understood the real person underneath the beauty, she could straighten out her head. I wonder if that man could be me."

    Blake could not be reached for comment regarding the possibility of a relationship with McEachern, as her answering machine just kept picking up for hours even though she said she would be home, leading to speculation that she might be with that one guy from the rowing team.

  2. #2
    Baluchitherium Guitar Shark's Avatar
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    03.01.10 @ 09:22 AM
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    The Onion rocks! [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]

    Here's a few short ones from the current issue that gave me a laugh:

    Girl In Park Acts Like It's No Big Deal She's Wearing Bikini
    TOLEDO, OH—Angela Liss, 21, made like it was no big deal that she was wearing a bikini in the park Monday. "She's all, 'Doo-dee-doo, I'm just hanging out here at the park,' like nothing's unusual," said Josh Arvada, moments after the curvaceous blonde asked him for the time. "Does she have any idea how fundamentally it alters the conversational dynamic when a woman is dressed like that?" Liss then casually applied lotion to her shoulders and legs, as if that wasn't a big deal, either.

    Movie Works Out Exactly As Audience Hoped
    ALTOONA, PA—Moviegoers at Clearview Cinema's 9:30 p.m. showing of My Big Fat Greek Wedding expressed delight Saturday, when the romantic comedy worked out exactly as they had hoped. "It was heartwarming enough to see the two young lovers get married after all they'd been through," said Janet Garlin, exiting the multiplex. "But to see the bride reconcile her feelings toward her crazy family? That was like a special bonus." Garlin said she hadn't been this satisfied by a movie's ending since the last movie she saw.

    Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized
    BALTIMORE—On Friday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males, promptly separating it from normal, heterosexual genes. "I had suspected that gene was queer for a long time now. There was just something not quite right about it," team leader Dr. Norbert Reynolds said. "It's a good thing we isolated it—I wouldn't want that faggot-ass gene messing with the straight ones." Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene's gayness were its pinkish hue, meticulously frilly perimeter, and faint but distinct perfume-like odor.

  3. #3
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    Fair Warning
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    Little Guitars
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    You all must buy the Onion's book, "Our Dumb Century." The best book to read while you're on the throne!
    "There's a Japanese term called wabi-sabi, not wasabi, but wabi-sabi. It means an appreciation for the imperfect, the less than precision. The cowboy boots that you never polish because it's bad luck. That is completely wabi-sabi. Van Halen is that." - DLR 2002<br /><br />"Look! I can see their parachutes! They're ok..." - Tenshinhan, DragonBall Z



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