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Thread: More jokes...

  1. #1
    Baluchitherium
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    >>After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it
    >>was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror
    >>and
    >>looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's
    >a
    >>picture of my daddy."
    >>
    >>He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife,
    Lizzy,
    >>didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning
    before
    >>leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
    >>
    >>Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
    >after
    >>her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she
    looked
    >>into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the old gal he's runnin' after."
    >>
    >>
    >___________________________________________


    > > >Billy Bob and Jimmy
    > > >
    > > > Billy Bob and Jimmy were talking one afternoon
    > when Billy Bob tells
    > > >Jimmy, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a
    > vacation. Only this year
    > > >I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few
    > years, I took your
    > > >suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago
    > you said to go to Hawaii.
    > > I
    > > >went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two
    > years ago, you told me to
    > >
    > > >go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
    > Last year you suggested
    > > >Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant
    > again."
    > > >
    > > > Jimmy asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do
    > this year that's
    > > >different?"
    > > >
    > > > Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie
    > with me."
    ____________________________________________

    > > >> > > > Can you imagine working at the following Company?
    > > >> > > > It has a little over 500 employees with the following
    statistics:
    > > >> > > > 29 have been accused of spousal abuse,
    > > >> > > > 7 have been arrested for fraud,
    > > >> > > > 19 have been accused of writing bad checks,
    > > >> > > > 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses,
    > > >> > > > 3 have been arrested for assault,
    > > >> > > > 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit,
    > > >> > > > 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges,
    > > >> > > > 8 have been arrested for shoplifting,
    > > >> > > > 21 are current defendants in lawsuits.
    > > >> > > > In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving.
    > > >> > > >
    > > >> > > > Can you guess which organization this is?
    > > >> > > >
    > > >> > > > Give up?
    > > >> > > >
    > > >> > > > It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same
    > group
    > > >>that
    > > >> > > > perpetually cranks out hundreds of new laws designed to keep
    the
    > > >>rest
    > > >>of
    > > >> > > us
    > > >> > > > in line.
    ___________________________________________
    Blond Cowboy - and some think only girls are dumb
    > > > > >> >> > blondes
    > > > > >> >> >
    > > > > >> >> > Sheriff in a small town walks out in
    the street and
    > > > > >> >> > sees a blond cowboy coming down the
    walk with
    > > > > >> >> > nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and
    his boots.
    > > > > >> >> >
    > > > > >> >> > So the sheriff arrests him for
    indecent exposure.
    > > > > >> >> > As he is locking him up he asks "Why
    in the
    > > > > >> >> > world are you dressed like this?"
    > > > > >> >> >
    > > > > >> >> > Cowboy.... " Well it's like this
    Sheriff... I was
    > > > > >> >> > in the bar down the road and this
    pretty little red
    > > > > >> >> > head asks me to go out to her motor
    home with
    > > > > >> >> > her....and I did. We go inside and she
    pulls off her
    > > > > >> >> > top and asks me to pull off my
    shirt,.. so I did....
    > > > > >> >> > Then she pulls off her skirt and asks
    me to pull
    > > > > >> >> > off
    > > > > >> >> > my pants.. so I did...Then she pulls
    off her panties
    > > > > >> >> > and asks me to pull off my shorts...
    So I did...
    > > > > >> >> > Then
    > > > > >> >> > she gets on the bed and looks at me
    kind of funny
    > > > > >> >> > and
    > > > > >> >> > says, Now go to town cowboy....
    > > > > >> >> >
    > > > > >> >> > So here I am."


    __________________________________________

    Have a great day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. #2
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    The Michael Jordan of Van Halen websites!!!
    www.vhlinks.com

  3. #3
    Baluchitherium
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    > Love: When you take a bubble bath together
    > Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together
    > Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
    >=20
    > Love: A romantic candle-lit dinner for two
    > Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
    > Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
    >=20
    > Love: Giving your love some candy
    > Lust: Thinking you are the candy
    > Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
    >=20
    > Love: Sex every night
    > Lust: Sex 5 times a night
    > Marriage: What's sex?
    >=20
    > Love: A night out at the symphony
    > Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
    > Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
    >=20
    > Love: French perfume
    > Lust: Brut aftershave
    > Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
    >=20
    > Love: Lending your jacket to your Love when he/she is
    > cold
    > Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
    > Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of
    > your jackets
    >=20
    > Love: Talking and cuddling
    > Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
    > Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
    >=20
    > Love: Long drives through the countryside
    > Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
    > Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the
    > backseat

  4. #4
    Baluchitherium
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    Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
    wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call 1-800 road
    service until long after hypothermia has set in.

    --------------------------------------------
    Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
    hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
    man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
    able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
    everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer

    -------------------------------------------=20
    Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup
    and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as
    I do, so for you, this isn't an issue.

    ---------------------------------------------=20
    Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
    the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items
    like "Cumin" or "Tofu" For all I know these are the same
    thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up
    anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

    ------------------------------------------------=20
    Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will
    insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice

    as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

    ---------------------------------------------=20
    Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
    while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
    show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by
    holding a calculator).

    -----------------------------------------------=20
    Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
    think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
    complete stranger-I mean, how the heck could he know where we're going?

    ------------------------------------------------=20
    Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.=20
    The answer is always either sex or sports, though I have to make up=20
    something else when you ask, so don't ask.=20

    -----------------------------------------------=20
    Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your=20
    mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her=20
    any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is=20
    okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for=20
    my mom too.=20

    -----------------------------------------------=20
    Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.=20
    Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.=20

    --------------------------------------------------=20
    Because I'm a man, I do not send cards and gifts all the time "just=20
    because," so don't expect it. If you do get one of the aforementioned,=20
    I probably screwed up and this is a valid form of apology...accept it=20
    and move on.=20

    -------------------------------------------------=20
    Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what=20
    you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is=20
    fine. =20
    With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. =20
    Can we just go now?=20

    ------------------------------------------------=20
    Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 21st Century, I will=20
    share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking,=20
    the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

    -------------------------------------------------------=20
    This has been a public service message for Women, to better understand=20
    the Males of our species=20

 

 

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