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Thread: jokes

  1. #1
    Eruption
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    Times in history when using the F word was appropiate:
    "It does so fucking look like her! - Pablo Picasso

    "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo

    "Who the fuck is going to know?" - Bill Clinton

    ------------------

    Howard Stern News Desk

    "I have ever considered the constitutional mode of election ultimately by the Legislature voting by States as the most dangerous blot in our Constitution --Thomas Jefferson on the Electoral College

    "No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities." -Christian Nestell Bovee, American author (1820-1904).

  2. #2
    Eruption
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    THE GEORGE W. BUSH INAUGURAL ADDRESS

    (sung to the tune of "What a Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke)

    Don't know much about history

    Don't know much foreign policy

    Don't remember how I got through school

    I'm sure I didn't break the rules.

    But what's it matter 'cause my mama says

    "Boy, if you want to you can be the prez

    And what a wonderful world this will be".

    Don't know much about the women's vote

    Don't know much about the bill I wrote

    Don't know much about the foreign vets

    I've never voted for 'em yet.

    But I do know if your dad tries hard

    He can get you in the National Guard

    And what a wonderful place that can be.

    Now I never claimed to be an A student

    But what's wrong with gentleman's C's?

    And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet

    I can win their love for me.

    Don't know much about air pollution

    Don't know much about the constitution

    Don't know much about th'economy

    It never much affected me.

    But there's one thing that I know for sure

    If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor

    What a wonderful world this will be.

    Don't know much about the national debt

    I've never had to pay one yet

    If we need to we can sell the States

    To the Japanese at discount rates.

    But I do know that if things get bad

    Dick and I can always call my dad

    And what a wonderful world this will be!!!!!
    ---------------------------------------------
    THE BALLOT COUNTING, ACCORDING TO DR. SEUSS:

    Can we count them with our nose?

    Can we count them with our toes?

    Should we count them with a band?

    Should we count them all by hand?

    If I do not like the count,

    I will simply throw them out!

    I will not let this vote count stand,

    I do not like them, and AlGore I am!

    Can we change these numbers here?

    Can we change them, calm my fears?

    What do you mean Dubya has won?

    That is not fair! It ruins my fun!

    Let's count them upside down this time

    Let's count until the state is mine!

    I will not let THIS vote count stand!

    I do not like it, and AlGore I am!

    I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!

    You have not heard the last of it!

    I'll count the ballots one by one

    And hold each up before the sun!

    I'll count, recount, and count some more!

    You'll grow to like this little chore!

    I will not let this vote count stand!

    I do not like it, and AlGore I am!

    I won't leave office, stayin' here

    I've glued my desk chair to my rear!

    Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,

    Are telling me that I should SUE!

    "We find the Electoral College vile!

    Recount the votes until WE smile!

    We do not want this vote to stand!

    We do not LIKE it, AlGore-I-am!"

    How shall we count THIS ballot box?

    Let's count it standing in our socks!

    Shall we count this one in a tree?

    And who shall count it, you or me?

    We cannot, cannot count enough!

    We must not stop, we must be tough!

    I do not want this vote to stand!

    I do not like it, and AlGore I am!

    I've counted till my fingers bleed

    and still can't fulfill my counting need.

    I'll count the tiles on the floor

    and even count the ones next door!

    And I will not say I am done

    until the counting says I've WON!

    I will not let this vote count stand!

    I do not like it, and AlGore I am!

    What's that? What? What's that you say?

    You think the current count should....STAY?????

    You do not like my counting scheme?

    It makes you tense? Gives you bad dreams?

    Foolish folks, you're wrong, you'll see!

    Your only care should be for ME!

    I will not let this vote count stand!

    I do not like it, and AlGore I am!

    ----------------------------------------
    Democrat Rules of Golf:
    1. Democrats get to keep shooting until one gets par or an acceptable score.

    2. Democrats are allowed to keep score by hand,Republicans are not allowed to keep score at all, the Democrats will appoint someone to keep score for them.

    3. If a Republican shoots par or under par on a hole,a Democratic appointee will sue in Court to a Democratic appointed Judge that the score is invalid.

    4. Holes for Democrats will be 3ft in diameter (to allow less confusion); Republicans will use the regulation size holes.

    5. If a shot is missed by a Democrat it will be counted if the Democrat intended it to go in, and can certify this by written statement to Rev. Jessie Jackson.

    6. Scores by Democrats can be changed after the round, if they can prove one of the following:
    a) Trees were impoperly placed on the course

    b) Wind speed was too strong

    c) Water was placed on the course in a way that confused the Democrat on club selection.



    ------------------

    Howard Stern News Desk

    "I have ever considered the constitutional mode of election ultimately by the Legislature voting by States as the most dangerous blot in our Constitution --Thomas Jefferson on the Electoral College

    "No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities." -Christian Nestell Bovee, American author (1820-1904).

  3. #3
    Eruption
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    The Boston Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, reported to a plastic surgeon for removal of her love handles. She emerged two days later with no ears.

    Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks? She's withholding evidence.

    What does Bill tell Hillary after sex? Nothing, she hears about it on the evening news!

    Did you know Monica has a hearing problem? All Bill really said was, "hold my calls and sack the cook."

    What's Monica going to title her memoirs? "How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really trying!"
    Monica wouldn't have soiled her dress if she would have just kept her mouth shut.

    Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm.

    Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw driver? A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.

    Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill? Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.
    Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance. "She's got the whitest teeth I've ever cum across!"

    What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us? When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.

    What's Bill's new pick up line? Would you be interested in a position under the president?"

    What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

    From a recent survey... In a survey of over 500 women, when asked if they would make love to the president, 83 percent of them responded; "No. Not again."


    A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there where three t-shirts on display for sale.
    The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white mustache and below the picture it was titled:
    GOT MILK?
    The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the white mustache and it was titled:
    FORGOT MILK.
    And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache and under her it was titled:
    NOT MILK!


    Leave it to Bill Clinton to be in between two Bushes.


    When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I
    am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never
    to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage
    Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of
    their 30th anniversary curiosity got the best of her
    and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
    In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She
    closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that
    she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as
    to why.
    That evening they were out for a special
    dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain
    her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so
    sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never
    looked into the box under our bed. However, today the
    temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need
    to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"
    Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all
    these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I
    was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the
    box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
    Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed
    and saddened but guess after all those years away from
    home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess
    that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."
    They hugged and made their peace. A little while later
    Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money
    in the box?"
    Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with
    empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and
    redeemed them for cash..."

    5 Presidents were on a sinking ship...
    Gerald Ford said, "What do we do?"
    George Bush said, "Man the lifeboats!"
    Jimmy Carter said, "Women and children first."
    Richard Nixon said, "Screw the women and children."
    Bill Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?


    HEAVEN - The year: 2031
    President Clinton finishes his time on earth and approaches the Pearly
    Gates of Heaven.

    "And who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

    "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and
    Leader of the Free World."

    "Oh... Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.

    "I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

    "Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What
    bad things have you done in your life?"

    Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you
    can't call it 'dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate
    extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I
    didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were
    misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false
    witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of
    perjury."

    With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares,
    "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it
    'Hell. You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when
    you enter, you don't have to "abandon all hope", just don't hold your breath
    waiting for it to freeze over!


    Bill and Hillary lay down for bed.
    Bill gently taps Hillary on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. Hillary turns over and says: "I'm sorry Bill, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
    Bill, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
    A few minutes later, Bill rolls back over and taps Hillary again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


    A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St.Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

    Titles considered for Monica's new autobiography...
    "I Suck At My Job"
    "What Really Goes Down In The White House"
    "How I Blew It In Washington"
    "Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President"
    "Clear and Present Boner"
    "Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule"
    "Going Back for Gore"
    "Podium Girl"
    "Secret Services to the President"
    "Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton"
    "Deep Inside The Oval Office"
    "The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions"
    "My Chief of Staff"
    "Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes"
    "How To Beat Off the Government"
    "Going Down and Moving Up"
    "Members of the Cabinet"
    "Me and My Big Mouth"
    "How To Get A Head in Business"


    Do you know what the FBI discovered the stains on Monica's dress actually were?
    A wad of Bill's.


    THE TOP 12 NICKNAMES FOR THE PRESIDENT'S MEMBER:
    12. Free Willy
    11. The Sin Doctor
    10. Hail to the Beef
    9. The Secret Servicer
    8. The Pocket Veto
    7. The Cabinet Member
    6. Titanic (because 1,500 people went down on it)
    5. The Gross National Product
    4. The Washington Monument
    3. The Commander in briefs
    2. The Washington Post
    1. The Executive Branch


    What was Lewinsky's position at the white house?
    1.Head Intern
    2.Under Secretary
    3.Missionary


    What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
    Swallow the leader


    --As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land."

    The official limo of the White House is now the Hummer!

    At least now we understand why mattresses are discounted every Presidents Day.

    Somebody threw a beer at Bill Clinton last week, but it was only a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

    Monica decided to go in and have her love handles removed. Poor thing, now she can't hear a thing!

    Bill Clinton thinks that, "THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH", requires three different answers.


    President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of
    his aides nervously approach him.
    "What is it?" yells the President.
    "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.
    "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.


    Clinton has recommended to the Olympic Committee a new event exclusively for US Presidents and Sportscasters:
    Broad jumping

    Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
    He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

    Bill and Hillary went to the first baseball game of the year in Baltimore's new Camden Yards stadium. The umpire went to the Presidential box seat next to the home dugout, whispered something to Bill, then walked back to home plate. Bill shrugged his shoulders, and then threw Hillary onto the playing field. The umpire shook his head, walked back to where Bill was sitting and said, "No, sir, I asked you to throw out the first PITCH."


    What is Bill Clinton's favorite slogan?
    Give me liberty or give me head!

    Q: Why is President Clinton so afraid of Monica Lewinsky's testimony before Senators and House prosecutors today?
    A: He's afraid she might cough up some new evidence.

    Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
    A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

    Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

    Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in common?
    A: They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill' here."


    LETTER TO HEAVEN A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.
    Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
    When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
    The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.
    President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
    The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:
    Dear Lord,
    Thank you very much for sending me the money.
    However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington DC and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95


    How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    None, they are to busy screwing the President.


    In a survey of American women, when asked, Would you sleep with President Clinton, 86% replied, No... not again!

    What is Lewinsky's code name in the FBI?
    Deep Throat


    From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esq., here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J. Clinton:

    10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess
    9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate
    8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit
    7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal
    6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore
    5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses
    4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life
    3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof
    2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy
    And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochran:
    1. If the s** is just oral, it is not really immoral

    What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume?
    Sat on the Presidential Staff


    What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
    They were both upset when Bill finished first.


    Q: How does Bill Clinton practice safe sex?
    A: He doesn't light the cigar


    What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
    A girl that can run faster than the Governor.

    What are President Clinton's favorite movies?
    1) Interns of Endearment
    2) Shaft
    3) Patriot Stains
    4) The X-Rated Files
    5) Bad Bill Hunting

    What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
    Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes.



    A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl asked:
    "Do you want to get undressed and we can play doctor?" The little boy replied:
    "That's too old fashioned...spit out your gum, I want to play President."


    How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
    It Takes A Village


    ------------------

    Howard Stern News Desk

    "I have ever considered the constitutional mode of election ultimately by the Legislature voting by States as the most dangerous blot in our Constitution --Thomas Jefferson on the Electoral College

    "No man is happy without a delusion of some kind. Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities." -Christian Nestell Bovee, American author (1820-1904).

  4. #4
    Imperial Fascist Overlord Down In Flames's Avatar
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    Funny stuff, Mighty.

    Some bipartisan laughs, all around.

    (*crossing fingers that this thread will stay cool...* )

    ------------------
    "Hey Down, my brotha, never ever forget your priorities... Beer first, trash second." - A life lesson, courtesy of track 5

    Official Bartender Of VHForums

  5. #5
    No Bozo's
    Guest
    Joke #1

    Two ladies walk in a bar, the funny thing
    is the second lady did'nt duck. D'oh!


    Oh wait? This ain't no joke thread? WTF? It was worthy of a post.

    MVH my friend I didn't even bother reading your shit. LOL Seriously though I didn't.



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