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Thread: Funny Quotes

  1. #1
    Test5150
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    "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

    "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" - George Burns

    "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone

    "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

    "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

    [ December 17, 2001 at 10:23 AM: Message edited by: Chelle ]</p>

  2. #2
    5150
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    LOL! Thanks for the (temporary?) new sig, Chelle!
    "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing<br />quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

  3. #3
    Atomic Punk FORD's Avatar
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    [img]graemlins/scared.gif[/img] If there's one person I do NOT want to hear discussing sex, it's Barbara Bush!!!

    Now, Jenna Bush might be a different story..... [img]graemlins/devil.gif[/img]
    Eat Us And Smile

    Welcome back, Van HALEN!!!!

    ...It's the BAND and Dave is really the cat that can front VH. He sang his ASS off and was really cool. No cheese here guys, this is filet Mignon! - Steve Lukather's comment after witnessing a Van HALEN 2007 rehearsal

    "What then is this bleating of sheep in my ears?"- 1 Samuel 15:14

  4. #4
    Test5150
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    You're welcome, Full BuD

    LOL@FORD.....I thought you'd like that.

    Here's some more:

    "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."-Woody Allen

    "Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions."--Woody Allen

    "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."--Woody Allen

    "Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast."--Woody Allen

    "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."--Woody Allen

  5. #5
    Test5150
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    "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."--Matt Barry
    --------------------------------------------------
    "Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Pass gas at your in-laws dinner table - man, NOW you're talking comedy." - Daniel Bokor
    --------------------------------------------------
    "We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'"--Elayne Boosler
    --------------------------------------------------
    "I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit." ---Mel Brooks
    --------------------------------------------------
    "You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."--Drew Carey

    "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."--Drew Carey
    --------------------------------------------------
    "The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"--George Carlin

    "Honestly must be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy."--George Carlin
    --------------------------------------------------
    "For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." ---Johnny Carson.

    "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."--Johnny Carson

  6. #6
    Test5150
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    "I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!" - Rodney Dangerfield

    "When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my old man, 'I'm sick and tired of running around in circles.' He got mad and nailed down my other foot." - Rodney Dangerfield

    My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.---Rodney Dangerfield

    "I asked my wife, 'On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'"--Rodney Dangerfield

    "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex lifeat all."--Rodney Dangerfield

    --------------------------------------------------
    You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.--Ellen DeGeneres
    --------------------------------------------------
    "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."--Phyllis Diller
    --------------------------------------------------
    "My parents live in the Central time zone. I talk to my father once aweek, but he still doesn't understand time zones. "Well, it's 8 o'clock here, so what is it, 6 o'clock there, huh, huh? It's summer here, so what is it, winter there? It's the Industrial Revolution here, so is it the Paleolithic era there?"-- Hugh Fink
    --------------------------------------------------
    "I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway."- Jack Handey
    --------------------------------------------------
    "Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say, 'You've got something hanging out of your nose.' Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy."--Michael Hayward
    --------------------------------------------------
    "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"--Richard Jeni
    --------------------------------------------------
    "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision."--Lynn Lavner
    --------------------------------------------------
    "A new government report says raw eggs may have salmonella and may be unsafe. In fact, the report says it wasn't the fall that killed Humpty Dumpty -- he was dead before he hit the ground."--Jay Leno

    "Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It's going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand."--Jay Leno
    --------------------------------------------------
    "Crime of passion is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation-that's a crime of passion."---Hellura Lyle
    --------------------------------------------------
    "Comedy is the ability to make people laugh without making them puke." -Steve Martin

    "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."--Steve Martin
    --------------------------------------------------
    "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening....but this wasn't it."--Groucho Marx

    "Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."--Groucho Marx

    "Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."--Groucho Marx

  7. #7
    Test5150
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    "I told you 158 times I cannot stand little notes on my pillow. 'We are out of cornflakes. F.U.' It took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar. It's not your fault Felix: it's a rotten combination, that's all." Walter Matthau to Jack Lemmon in The Odd Couple, 1968
    --------------------------------------------------
    "I once dated a guy who drank coffee and alcohol at the same time. What a prince. Bad breath, limp dick and he wouldn't go to sleep."---Kris McGaha
    --------------------------------------------------
    The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?--Dennis Miller
    --------------------------------------------------
    I got in a fight one time with a really big guy and he said "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" and I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."--Emo Phillips

    "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."--Emo Philips

    "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."---Emo Philips

    "When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." ---Emo Philips

    "I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."----Emo Philips

    "I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?"--Emo Philips
    --------------------------------------------------
    Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -Will Rogers
    --------------------------------------------------
    I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I walked up to her and said, "Thyroid problem?"--Arnold Schwartzenegger
    --------------------------------------------------
    I can't believe I actually own my own house. I'm looking at a house and it's two hundred grand. The realtor says, "It's got a great view." For two hundred grand I better open up the curtains and see breasts against the window.--Garry Shandling

  8. #8
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    "Marge, I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming."--Homer Simpson

    "Son, a woman is a lot like a refrigerator! They're about 6 feet tall and weigh 300 lbs. They make ice and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer! They look good, they smell good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one!--Homer Simpson

    "If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"--Homer Simpson

    "Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel."--Homer Simpson

    "Cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh."--Homer Simpson

    "I want to share something with you -- the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss!' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'"--Homer Simpson

    "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"--Homer Simpson
    --------------------------------------------------
    "I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."--Freddie Starr
    --------------------------------------------------
    "Take it from me, wrinkle cream doesn't work. I've been using it for two years and my balls still look like raisins."--Harland Williams

    "I don't understand the body piercing movement. I saw one guy who had eight rings through his eyebrows. I couldn't help myself. I ran up to him and hung a shower curtain on his face."--Harland Williams
    --------------------------------------------------
    "God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."--Robin Williams
    --------------------------------------------------
    Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal.--Steven Wright

    "My watch is three hours fast. I can't seem to get it fixed, so I'm moving to New York."--Steven Wright

    "You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time." -Steven Wright

  9. #9
    Little Dreamer
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    Thank you Chelle. George Carlin is a genius.
    "The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"--George Carlin

  10. #10
    Sinner's Swing! twonabomber's Avatar
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    Woody Allen's should read "Having your wife's adopted daughters in the house immediately increases your chances for a date on Saturday night."
    "is this a good show tonight, or fuckin' what?" - DLR, Montreal, 11/10/07

    Toronto 10/7...Cleveland 10/10...Toronto 10/12...Montreal 11/10

  11. #11
    Little Dreamer
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    <blockquote>quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by The Full BuD:
    LOL! Thanks for the (temporary?) new sig, Chelle!<hr></blockquote>

    I found one too
    "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

  12. #12
    Test5150
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    The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this: You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay but you're not...And, you only have one ass.

    Feel better?

    ---Jack Handy

  13. #13
    Sinner's Swing!
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    Great quotes Chelle! [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]


    Here's one:

    "Dying is a pain in the ass"
    ~Frank Sinatra
    "Sorry about the mess..."<br /><br />~Han Solo Episode IV

 

 

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