Follow us on...
Follow us on Twitter Follow us on Facebook Watch us on YouTube
Register
Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: Las Vegas-dirty

  1. #1
    Baluchitherium
    Join Date
    06.10.00
    Posts
    4,228
    Last Online

    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
    Likes
    0
    Liked 0 Times in 0 Posts


    A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and an absolutely gorgeous
    looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and
    eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" The hooker
    replies,"It starts at $500 for a hand-job." The guy says,"$500 dollars!
    For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
    The hooker asks, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes.", "Do you
    see that Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes".
    "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
    "Yes."
    "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly,"I own those. And, I own them
    because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
    The guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
    They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on
    the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime,
    worth every bit of $500.
    He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1000?" The hooker
    replies, $1500."
    "$1500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist
    wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
    The hooker replies,"Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that
    casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it
    because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1500."
    The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put
    off the new car for another year or so, and says,"Sign me up." Ten minutes
    later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely
    believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip
    into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
    He asks the hooker,"How much for some pussy?"
    The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
    something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before
    us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
    The guy says, in awe, "My lord, you own the whole city?"
    The hooker replies,"No,but I would if I had a pussy."



  2. #2
    Baluchitherium
    Join Date
    06.10.00
    Posts
    4,228
    Last Online

    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
    Likes
    0
    Liked 0 Times in 0 Posts


    >> > >> > > The teacher gave her fifth grade class an
    >> > >> > > assignment Get their parents to tell them a
    >> > >> > > story with a moral at the end of it.
    >> > >> > >
    >> > >> > > The next day the kids came back and one by
    >> > >> > > one began to tell their stories.
    >> > >> > >
    >> > >> > > Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we
    >> > >> > > have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we
    >> > >> > > were taking our eggs to market in a basket on
    >> > >> > > the front seat of the pickup when we hit a
    >> > >> > > bump in the road and all the eggs went flying
    >> > >> > > and broke and made a mess."
    >> > >> > >
    >> > >> > > "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the
    >> > >> > > teacher.
    >> > >> > >
    >> > >> > > "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
    >> > >> > >
    >> > >> > > "Very good, " said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
    >> > >> > >
    >> > >> > > "Our family are farmers too. But we raise
    >> > >> > > chickens to sell for cooking. We had a dozen
    >> > >> > > eggs one time, but when they hatched we
    >> > >> > > only got ten chicks. The moral to this story is,
    >> > >> > > don't count your chickens until they've
    >> > >> > > hatched."
    >> > >> > >
    >> > >> > > "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you
    >> > >> > > have a story to share?"
    >> > >> > >
    >> > >> > > "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story
    >> > >> > > about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a
    >> > >> > > flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane
    >> > >> > > got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
    >> > >> > > territory and all she had was a bottle of
    >> > >> > > whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete.
    >> > >> > >
    >> > >> > > "She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
    >> > >> > > wouldn't break and then she landed right in
    >> > >> > > the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed
    >> > >> > > seventy of them with the machine gun until
    >> > >> > > she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty
    >> > >> > > more with the machete until the blade broke
    >> > >> > > and then she killed the last ten with her bare
    >> > >> > > hands."
    >> > >> > >
    >> > >> > > "Good heavens!", said the horrified teacher,
    >> > >> > > "What kind of moral did your daddy give you
    >> > >> > > from that horrible story?"
    >> > >> > >
    >> > >> > > "Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been
    >> > >> > > drinking."
    >> > >> >

  3. #3
    Baluchitherium
    Join Date
    06.10.00
    Posts
    4,228
    Last Online

    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
    Likes
    0
    Liked 0 Times in 0 Posts



    WOMEN'S ENGLISH

    Yes" = No

    No" = Yes

    Maybe" = No

    It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious
    by now

    Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.

    We need to talk" = I need to complain.

    Sure....... ... go ahead" = I don't want you to.

    I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

    Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.

    This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.

    I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and
    wallpaper...

    I heard a noise" =I noticed you were almost asleep.

    Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

    How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're
    not going to
    really like me

    Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.

    You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me.

    Are you listening to me?" = [Too late, you're dead.]

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
    * * * * * * * *

    MEN'S ENGLISH:

    I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.

    I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.

    I'm tired" = I'm tired.

    Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
    with you

    Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have
    sex with you

    Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
    you

    May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

    Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

    You look tense, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you

    What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
    trauma are you going through now?

    What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

    I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

    I love you" = Let's have sex now.

    I love you too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

    Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
    deep
    person and maybe then you'd like to have sex
    with me.

    Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
    with other guys.


    Duh

  4. #4
    Baluchitherium
    Join Date
    02.18.00
    Location
    Cowtown
    Posts
    5,196
    Favorite VH Album

    Van Halen
    Favorite VH Song

    Me Wise Magic
    Last Online

    09.15.15 @ 08:40 AM
    Likes
    0
    Liked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    hahahaha, those were fine jokes.
    in fact, i laughed pretty damn hard to the last one.

    ------------------
    EBAS!!!!
    i know i would!!!
    i am a Dirty Faced Kid, although i do fancy myself a good lookin' fellow...
    AD for life...

  5. #5
    Sinner's Swing! Darkstar's Avatar
    Join Date
    01.04.00
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    2,784
    Favorite VH Album

    Fair Warning
    Favorite VH Song

    Too Many!
    Last Online

    12.04.14 @ 11:23 PM
    Likes
    0
    Liked 5 Times in 4 Posts

    Awesome jokes! I got a good laugh! Myself, I sometimes like the short and direct jokes..........There was this bear and this rabbit and they were taking a shit together in the woods. The bear turned to the rabbit and said,"Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?" and the rabbit said,"Hell no!" So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.....................

    ------------------
    Where the possessed go to mingle........
    Don't sweat the petty things in life, just pet the sweaty things........

  6. #6
    Baluchitherium
    Join Date
    06.10.00
    Posts
    4,228
    Last Online

    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
    Likes
    0
    Liked 0 Times in 0 Posts


    1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
    (because they are plugged into a genius)
    2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
    (they don't have enough time)
    3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO
    FERTILIZE ONE EGG
    (they don't stop for directions)
    4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
    (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
    5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
    (because they don't have penises to put them in)
    6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
    (they're intended for children but men usually end up playing with
    them)
    7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
    (because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)
    8. WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
    (it is sex with someone they love)
    9. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
    (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
    10. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
    (you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
    11. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
    (so he can tell if he's coming or going)
    12. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
    (nobody knows, since it has never happened)
    13. ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.
    (Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



  7. #7
    Baluchitherium
    Join Date
    06.10.00
    Posts
    4,228
    Last Online

    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
    Likes
    0
    Liked 0 Times in 0 Posts


    >
    >A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
    >
    > "I want to open a damn checking account."
    >
    >The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
    > misunderstood you. What did you say?"
    >
    >"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account
    >now!"
    >"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
    > this bank."
    >
    >"What the hell do you plan to do about it?"
    >
    > The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to
    > inform
    > him of her situation. The manager agrees that
    > the teller does not have to listen to foul language.
    >
    > They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,
    > "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
    >
    >"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million in
    > the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking
    > account in your damn bank, okay?"
    >
    >"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
    >
    >



 

 

Similar Threads

  1. The Dirty Mac
    By RevolutionMan in forum VH Fans Meeting Place (Music Only)
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 05.01.06, 08:56 PM
  2. Your dirty little secrets.....
    By Texas Poundcake in forum VH Fans Meeting Place (Non-Music)
    Replies: 201
    Last Post: 07.25.05, 12:03 AM
  3. Dirty Water Dog?
    By naconajnix in forum Guitar Room
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 12.12.00, 04:27 PM
  4. Dirty Water Dog
    By crossing_over in forum Van Halen 101
    Replies: 29
    Last Post: 10.29.00, 09:13 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •