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  1. #1
    Baluchitherium
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    DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

    > December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season
    > and the
    > wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
    > the
    > huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
    >
    > Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
    >
    > December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
    > covering
    > every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
    >
    > lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
    > had.
    > Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
    > both
    > our driveways and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
    > and
    > covered up the sidewalks and closed the driveway, so I got to shovel
    > again.
    > What a perfect life!
    >
    > December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
    > disappointment.
    > My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
    > Christmas.
    > No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
    > the
    > end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
    > that's
    > possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
    >
    > December 14; Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
    >
    > -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,
    > but
    > I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
    > The
    > snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
    >
    > realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
    > get
    > back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
    >
    > December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
    > Bought
    > snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
    > The
    > wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
    >
    > silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
    >
    > December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the
    > driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an
    > hour,
    > which I think was very cruel.
    >
    > December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
    > anywhere.
    > Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
    > warm.
    > Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
    >
    > should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Gosh I hate
    > it
    > when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
    > living
    > room.
    >
    > December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
    > stuff
    > last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.
    > Tried
    > to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing
    >
    > hockey. I think they're lying.
    >
    > December 21: Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a
    > snow
    > blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
    > they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
    > and
    > bill me. I think he's lying.
    >
    >
    > December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
    > inches of
    > the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
    >
    > August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
    > and
    > then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed, and dressed
    > again, I
    > was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck
    > for
    > the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is
    > lying.
    >
    > December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
    > wanted me
    > to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts?!! Why
    >
    > didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think
    >
    > she's lying.
    >
    > December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
    > Thought
    > I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b***** who
    > drives
    > that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he
    > hides
    > around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then he
    > comes
    > down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've
    > just
    > been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
    > open
    > our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.
    >
    > December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed
    > in.
    > The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Gosh I hate the snow! Then
    > the
    > snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the
    > head
    > with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an
    > idiot.
    > If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to
    > kill
    > her.
    >
    > December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER
    > idea.
    > She's really getting on my nerves.
    >
    > December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
    >
    > December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The woman is
    > driving me
    > crazy!!!!!
    >
    > December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
    > could
    > cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he
    > think I
    > am?
    >
    > December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a
    > million
    > dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches of snow
    > predicted.
    >
    > December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
    >
    > January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
    > keep
    > giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
    >
    >


  2. #2
    Baluchitherium
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    What a crock! I missed school the day they taught
    this!!! LOL

    > > Women's Roles in History
    > > >From the 1950's to today...read on
    > >
    > > The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended
    for
    > > high School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life:
    > >
    > > 1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
    > > delicious meal-on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have
    > > been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are
    > > hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal, are part of
    > > the warm welcome needed.
    > >
    > > 2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
    when
    > > he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be
    fresh
    > > looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little
    gay
    > > and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
    > >
    > > 3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the
    > > house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys,
    > > paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will
    feel
    > > he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift
    too.
    > >
    > > 4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands
    > > and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change
    > their
    > > clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing
    > the
    > > part.
    > >
    > > 5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
    of
    > > washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
    Greet
    > > him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
    > >
    > > 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
    > complain
    > > if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might
    > > have gone through that day.
    > >
    > > 7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
    > > suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for
    > > him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low,
    > > soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
    > >
    > > 8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
    moment
    > > of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
    > >
    > > 9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
    > > dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
    his
    > > world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
    > >
    > > 10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where
    your
    > > husband can relax.
    > >
    > > ***PART II: The Updated Version for the 90's woman:***
    > >
    > > 1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
    becomes
    > > too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd
    like
    > > to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been
    crappy
    > > and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
    > >
    > > 2. Prepare yourself. A quick stop at the "Clinique" counter on your way
    > > home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming
    > > irritated every time he opens his mouth. Don't forget to use his credit
    > > card!
    > >
    > > 3. Clear away the clutter. Call the housekeeper and tell her that any
    > > miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in
    the
    > > Goodwill box in the garage.
    > >
    > > 4. Prepare the children. Send the children to their rooms to watch
    > > television
    > > or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous
    marriage.
    > >
    > > 5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in
    the
    > > bathroom with the door locked.
    > >
    > > 6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
    > speak
    > > first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh
    > in
    > > his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner,
    simply
    > > remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes
    > for
    > > him to do. Or, you could nail a pork chop to the garage door and tell
    him
    > > that is his dinner.
    > >
    > > 7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's
    > cold.
    > > This will really show you care.
    > >
    > > 8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
    > >
    > > 9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
    > > dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping
    > > (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night
    Out!"
    > >
    > > 10. The Goal: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he
    > > only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it
    > > revolves around you.
    > >
    > > WOW...things have certainly changed!
    > >

  3. #3
    Baluchitherium
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    >> > >>>A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice
    >> > about breast
    >> > >>>enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of
    >> > the shower,
    >> > >>>rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby,
    >> > I want
    >> > >>>bigger boobies.' "
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>She did this every day faithfully. After several months,
    >> > it worked!
    >> > >>>She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late,
    >> > and in her
    >> > >>>rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten
    >> > her morning
    >> > >>>ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want
    >> > to lose
    >> > >>>them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said,
    >> > "Scooby dooby
    >> > >>>dooby, I want bigger boobies."
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith
    >> > by any
    >> > >>>chance?"
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"
    >> > >>>
    >> > >>>The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory
    >> > dickory
    >> > >>>dock . . ."

  4. #4
    Baluchitherium
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    A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched
    >> > by a midget standing in front of the urinal next to him.
    >> > Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy
    >> > doesn't
    >> > get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next
    >to
    >> > him,
    >> > climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
    >> > "Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever
    >> > seen!"
    >> > Surprised--and flattered--the man thanks the midget and starts to
    >> > move
    >> > away.
    >> > "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little
    >> > fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
    >> > Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it,
    he
    >> > obliges the request.
    >> > The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and
    >> > says
    >> > Loudly, "Hand over your wallet or I'll Jump!"
    >> >
    >> >

  5. #5
    Baluchitherium
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    QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
    >
    > ANSWERS:
    >
    > VICE PRESIDENT GORE
    > I invented the chicken coop, so I am particularly qualified to fight
    > for chickens' rights. In fact, I once was a chicken, so I know their
    > needs
    > and motives. I will not give up on the rights of all chickens to cross
    > the
    > road!
    >
    > GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH
    > I say, if the chicken is violating Texas laws by crossing the road,
    > then execute the bird and let our actions be a deterrent to all chickens.
    >
    > SENATOR LIEBERMAN
    > I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in
    > their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey, and no chicken
    > should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.
    >
    > SECRETARY CHENEY
    > Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the
    > road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.
    >
    > RALPH NADER
    > Chickens are misled by the evil tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant,
    > but our society pays tiremakers to create the need for roads and then
    > lures
    > chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them.
    >
    > PAT BUCHANAN
    > To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
    >
    > JERRY FALWELL
    > Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see
    > the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the
    > "other
    > side." That's what "they" call it - the "other side." Yes, my friends,
    > that
    > chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too.
    > I
    > say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
    > liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the
    > otherside."
    >
    > DR. SEUSS
    > Did the chicken cross the road?
    > Did he cross it with a toad?
    > Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
    > but why it crossed, I've not been told!
    >
    > ERNEST HEMINGWAY
    > To die. In the rain. Alone. Coopless.
    >
    > MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
    > I HAVE A DREAM where the freedom bell rings for all chickens to cross
    > without having their motives called into question.
    >
    > GRANDPA
    > In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told
    > us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
    >
    > KARL MARX
    > It was a historical inevitability embraced by all chickens.
    >
    > SADDAM HUSSEIN
    > This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in
    > dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
    >
    > FREUD
    > The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
    > road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
    >
    > BILL GATES
    > I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads,
    > but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
    > checkbook--and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
    >
    > EINSTEIN
    > Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
    > chicken?
    >
    > BILL CLINTON
    > I did not ... have ... sexual ... relations ... with that bird, Ms.
    > Chicken. And, could you define "chicken", please?
    >
    > RONALD REAGAN
    > What chicken?
    >

  6. #6
    Atomic Punk Wolfman's Avatar
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    Missed you too, kiddo. Welcome back.

    ------------------


    *gulp* - Down In Flames

    "...like falling down the stairs and landing on your feet." - Edward Van Halen describing his solos.

    "And I swore to myself, I swore to myself that some day, some day...I was going to smoke joints that big." - DLR, Crazy From The Heat

    Wolfman's Van Halen Shrine - http://home.earthlink.net/~theflyingwolfman

  7. #7
    Beloved Glenn's Avatar
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    Donor

    Welcome back

    ------------------
    The Michael Jordan of Van Halen websites!!!
    www.vhlinks.com

  8. #8
    Sinner's Swing!
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    Mhhhhh .. ok ... welcome back ! YUNNK


    ------------------
    Eddie_italian from Italy --- member of the G4

    Listen to VHvault.com L.S.D. &
    Tribute Radio
    Member of The Van Halen Vault
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    DIAMOND MAFIA ... respect the family !

  9. #9
    Imperial Fascist Overlord Down In Flames's Avatar
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    I knew someone was missing...

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    What's up Eddie Italian?

    (*Boos can be heard as DIF realizes his screw up...* )

    Oh, uh... Hey there Angel. LOL

    How you been girly-girl?

    ------------------
    "Hey Down, my brotha, never ever forget your priorities... Beer first, trash second." - A life lesson, courtesy of track 5

    "Fuck you. I give you my ass." - Rick S' dog, as interpreted by track 5

    Official Bartender Of VHForums

  10. #10
    Baluchitherium
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    <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Down In Flames:
    I knew someone was missing...

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .


    Oh, uh... Hey there Angel. LOL

    How you been girly-girl?

    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    I've been up to 'no good'.....

    Seriously, a lot of things have been going
    on to keep me busy......
    and away from the links

    I miss everyone.....


  11. #11
    Sinner's Swing! Darkstar's Avatar
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    Angel comes thru with a good laugh again! Thanks Angel

    ------------------
    Where the possessed go to mingle........
    Don't sweat the petty things in life, just pet the sweaty things........

  12. #12
    Baluchitherium JWS_5150's Avatar
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    Donor

    Welcome back ANGEL4U, and nice way to come back...excellent jokes

    ------------------
    Right Now, it's safe to add one (1) to my post count.
    Right Now, strange is beautiful.
    Right Now, I'm a Dirty Faced Kid.
    Right Now, Van Halen needs to HURRY UP AND SAY SOMETHING.
    Right Now, I must be going.

  13. #13
    Eruption
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    From one AWOL linkster to another....Welcome back!

    ------------------
    "I ain't lyin' to ya. Nothin' else I need but beautiful girls!!"

 

 

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