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Thread: Morning Wood

  1. #1
    5150 Crown Royal's Avatar
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    12.07.17 @ 01:08 PM
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    *** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***
    (the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally
    walked into the men's restroom):

    Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's
    washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him.
    Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever
    hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom,
    start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so
    I'll make sure I hit something.

    You see, something you ladies should understand by now is
    that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go
    into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used,
    take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still
    manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his
    left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya
    those little buggers can't be trusted.

    After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no
    longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am
    required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this
    is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the
    toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked
    toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot
    to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

    Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about,
    but because you and I have become such good friends and you
    think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you
    because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be
    understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

    Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous
    desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds
    with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that
    thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim, well hell,
    if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the
    wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women
    insist on putting on the toilet.

    And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat
    covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So
    that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat
    and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that
    perfect aim.

    Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the
    guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get
    the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You
    jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat
    stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that
    compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
    that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack
    off your
    weenie.

    So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's
    just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning
    situation to my wife. I told her . . . look, it won't bend.
    She said, "sit down like I told you to do
    all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the
    toilet with "morning wood".

    Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat,
    and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath
    towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you
    are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the
    toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from
    the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top
    of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it
    runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching
    fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of
    the toilet.

    I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this
    morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman
    position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal
    of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but
    it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
    during the first morning pee.

    So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally
    to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and
    bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just
    get beyond our control.

    It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

    Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a
    problem!!!


  2. #2
    Damage your reputation seenbad's Avatar
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    12.15.17 @ 10:48 AM
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    Donor

    I love it. Brutally honest. Hilarious and true, but I dont think I've ever pee'd on myself. This guy went out on a limb thinking it was the same for everyone, when in fact, I think he is the only one that pee's on himself. Funny nonetheless. Gully, if its ok with you, I'll leave this one open?
    sheepa latta peepah dabba looka foh a moopy

    Gunter glieben glauchen globen

  3. #3
    Baluchitherium
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    09.15.15 @ 08:40 AM
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    that's hilarious. [img]smile.gif[/img]

  4. #4
    Hot For Teacher FAN4EVER's Avatar
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    12.13.17 @ 07:49 AM
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    Have you ever dreamed about bowling???
    Woke up in the morning with 1 pin standin'...
    Aint life grand!

  5. #5
    Baluchitherium
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    05.12.06 @ 06:39 PM
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    HAHA funny and true....Gotta love it.
    I am awesome

  6. #6
    Eruption
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    Totally hilarious! Rodney Carrington has a CD titled "Morning Wood"! He is a comedian from Texas. Word to T5!!!!!!

    It's fuckin' hilarious - give it a listen! [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img]
    "Official Twinkie supplier to VHLinks.com"<br /><br />"There's one thing Daddy likes and that's Titties and Beer"

  7. #7
    Top Of The World
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    ohhhhhh ok and i thought it was just my fantastic luck that all my men wake up excited for an entire different reason! Well gee you dont think that they ummmmmmm.....pee if we would happen to position ourselves on it before they wake?
    Warm trickling ....sickening thought
    I thought you just had to wait till it came down a few notches before you could relieve yourself?

  8. #8
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    12.31.69 @ 04:00 PM
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    [img]graemlins/sssh.gif[/img] ooops , Seenbad....I tried really I did

  9. #9
    Damage your reputation seenbad's Avatar
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    12.15.17 @ 10:48 AM
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    Donor

    Tracy, you have been a naughty girl. I think your ass needs a good spanky!! [img]graemlins/thumb.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/bounce.gif[/img]
    sheepa latta peepah dabba looka foh a moopy

    Gunter glieben glauchen globen

  10. #10
    Atomic Punk jrk5150's Avatar
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    12.15.17 @ 07:38 PM
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    Premium Member

    Donor

    Originally posted by Tracy:
    ohhhhhh ok and i thought it was just my fantastic luck that all my men wake up excited for an entire different reason! Well gee you dont think that they ummmmmmm.....pee if we would happen to position ourselves on it before they wake?
    Warm trickling ....sickening thought
    I thought you just had to wait till it came down a few notches before you could relieve yourself?
    I can hold it, really, I can!! [img]graemlins/bounce.gif[/img]

  11. #11
    Good Enough Van Gully's Avatar
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    09.04.17 @ 05:32 AM
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    Originally posted by seenbad:
    Gully, if its ok with you, I'll leave this one open?
    Was this necessary, seenbad? I wasn't even going to post in this thread until I saw my name. Trouble maker.
    "Gully, watch yourself. I am dead serious." - Brett Norton, Emperor of VHLinks.com

  12. #12
    Damage your reputation seenbad's Avatar
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    12.15.17 @ 10:48 AM
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    Donor

    Originally posted by Van Gully:
    quote:
    Originally posted by seenbad:
    Gully, if its ok with you, I'll leave this one open?
    Was this necessary, seenbad? I wasn't even going to post in this thread until I saw my name. Trouble maker.[/QUOTE]I turn the table on you and ask if your incesant badgering a couple weeks ago was necessary....then I fart in yo general direction. [img]tongue.gif[/img]

    Go fight with hitch. I think you have something you wanna say to him. The riddler is a...?

    Seriously, I look back and no, it wasnt necessary at all. I just felt like saying it. Your ok when your not hopped up on whatever man. Sometimes you just freak out on us though and pre-emptive strikes seem the best defense. Its not my fault. [img]smile.gif[/img]
    sheepa latta peepah dabba looka foh a moopy

    Gunter glieben glauchen globen

  13. #13
    Atomic Punk Bob_R's Avatar
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    Donor

    I woke up this morning and my wife rolls over to me and says "Hey there's a tent in our bed"

    *** Wonders to himself was he thinking aloud or posting on the VH Links ***

  14. #14
    5150
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    09.26.15 @ 08:25 PM
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    This post is so on point...I have to shamelessly admit that after being married for almost 9 years now, I've resorted to the "sit-down" method at home to prevent any splashes or drips from going astray. And not totally because the missus required it, but it's a whole lot easier when you wake up in the middle of the night half asleep and not worry about having to aim properly. Besides, no one like to have the cheesy piss smell in their bathrooms do they?

    As for "Morning Wood", this is a true phenomenon of nature. My wife didn't believe me until our son came along. He's 4 now, and his little pup tent is pitched at the crack of dawn. It's a SCIENTIFIC FACT ladies!

  15. #15
    Atomic Punk BREW CREW's Avatar
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    08.27.17 @ 09:39 AM
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    Wouldn't it be awesome if woman woke up ready to go and do the slip inside? Wet and wild! and our "mourning wood" could meet the "mourning bush".
    Yeah, yeah...I am dreaming! [img]graemlins/sleep.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/sssh.gif[/img]
    Just go for it!

 

 

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