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Thread: Armageddon

  1. #1
    I think I posted this here before, but it was probably at least a year ago and it's STILL the funniest damn thing I've ever here we go again.
    "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil, "Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

    "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

    O.K., now here's a few things to ponder. What were they thinking?

    1. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." OUCH!!!!

    2. "So I peered into the tube . . . "Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! I'm sorry,
    but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

    3. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of a guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and Bullwinkle.

    4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing but I seriously doubt said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into iki's "tunnel of love".

    5. People waking around with these volcano-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

    6. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc it's like this: See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . . . "

    7. "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How
    does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

    8. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

    9. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this? This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond Family.

    [ December 14, 2001 at 11:58 AM: Message edited by: Chelle ]</p>

  2. #2
    Good Enough Van Gully's Avatar
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    04.28.18 @ 02:59 PM
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    Funny story. A fit and just type of punishment the sodomites get for engaging in perverse sexual practices. Maybe, this incident will help them see the error of their ways. God has given the sodomites a second chance to redeem themselves. I pray that they take it. For next time they could start a house fire; which could led to a block fire, and innocent children could get hurt or killed. And if innocent children die in a fire caused by their ass-gases, then the fires of hell will be a most justly earned punishment. [img]graemlins/devil.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/scared.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/devil.gif[/img] [img]graemlins/bounce.gif[/img]
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  3. #3
    Eye suffacozza YEWW! Goo's Avatar
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    05.24.18 @ 12:05 AM
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    Originally posted by Van Gully:
    Funny story. A fit and just type of punishment the sodomites get for engaging in perverse sexual practices. Maybe, this incident will help them see the error of their ways. God has given the sodomites a second chance to redeem themselves. I pray that they take it.

    Relax Gully, theres not reckles hoardes of Homosexuals wandering the streets armed with potentiol gerbil cannons:

    That story has been around since at least 1993. A version printed in _Private Eye_, No. 828, is attributed to "Bloomberg News Service 11/8/93" (August 11, 1993). It uses "Vito Bustone", "Kiki Rodriguez", and "Faggot" instead of the names in this version. It also includes a final line "Sheriff Hugo Root later told reporters: 'It's Faggot I feel sorry for. Being stuffed up some queen's tradesman's entrance.' " This last seems more British in humor, and was likely added by the (British) editors.

    Sans that last sentence, the story appeared on AFU at the same time, as did a version with the same characters but datelined LAKE CITY FLA (AUG 5th) UPI.

    Needless to say, the physical possibility of the explosion or surviving such an explosion with only burns is remote.

    Rec.humor.funny published a version in 1995 with a rat, a motorcycle tailpipe, and similar difficulties.

    and from :

    Versions of the following gerbilling fiction date back at least to 1993 when a faked United Press International item appeared on the Internet, one that named Vito Bustone and Kiki Rodriguez of Lake City, Florida, as the accident victims. (The gerbil's name was withheld by request of the family.) Other versions have been falsely attributed to the Los Angeles Times with the events said to have taken place in Salt Lake City, Utah. Rest assured that neither news outlet ever published a news article about these fictitious events:

    Chelles summary was pretty funny though [img]smile.gif[/img]
    A little zen....... Headed your way.......



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