Thread: Alchemy's creation of the world
09.21.00, 11:06 AM #1
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Ever wonder how it all began? Ever wonder how this spinning green blue sphere ever came to be? Ever wonder why that putrid green throw-rug still inhabits the untold regions of your bathroom after countless attempts at throwing it out? I'm sure you've heard many theories about it; however, this is one theory that you haven't heard.
It began with an Onion.
It was not a very large onion by any means. It was about medium size with a strange dark spot just to the left of it's tip. On the whole, it was an extremely average, dull onion. The only thing that made it special in any way was that at the time it belonged to a rather disgruntled, intergalactic postal employee. He didn't know quite why he kept it. The onion was clearly going bad as shown by the dark spot near it's tip. On his way back from the Amdovia round-about, he had purchased it at a local shop along with other odd looking things which he had quickly discarded. Only the onion had remained. He stared at it with disgust.
At the moment, he was in orbit around a tiny, lifeless ball of rock...and grinning like an idiot. His mother-in-law had stopped by his residence for a visit about 3 months ago...he had not been back since. In fact, he enjoyed it out here in the less traveled sectors of the galaxy. One could kick back, relax, and not worry about accidently being injested by his mother-in-law's second head which she had convieniently attatched to her left elbow (if you can call it that). He clutched the onion firmly in his hand, spat on it, and tossed it out of the air lock along with some pieces of mail with Ed McMillian's picture on them.
The onion soft landed on the tiny planet along with the discarded mail. On the way down, the Ed Mcmillion mail had opened and spilled a large portion of it's magazine stamps...some of which had become attatched to the onion. Over time, the tiny planet began to evolve and vast oceans sprang up. By an uncalculable number of coincidences, the onion, alien saliva, and sweepstakes stamps had evolved into the tiny planet's first life form. Small single celled organisms (which had a striking resemblance to Ed McMillian) began to populate the seas.
A million or so years past...
The ocean by this time was teaming with life...all in the form of green, plantlike blobs that formed giant collonies on the ocean floor. It was decided by colonies, one day, that one of them would try to reach land. After drawing the shortest piece of seaweed, a single green blob set out on this important journey. For months it crawled along the oceans floor going with out nurishment. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, it climbed it's way out of the ocean and on the dry land. It died. Lucky for us another expadition was sent out shortly afterwards to find out what the hell had happened to the first blob. Another million or so years past...
By this time, life on Earth had evolved into two groups: the now land dwelling green blobs that had originally evolved from an onion that was slightly off, and the Earth's indiginous life form, the wild tax collector.
The tax collectors and the blobs (now called) now called Better Homes and Gardens by sheer coincidence) usually left each other alone. The blobs would bask in the sun while the tax collectors would scurry about doing who knows what. Over the years of living on dry land, the blob's had evolved a sort of foot that allowed them to scoot about. Though it was handy for traveling short distances, it was completely impractical for any thing over about 50 ft. It was decided that a more effeciant method of travel needed to be developed. Plans for the development of the combustion engine were began imediatly. Midway through the developmental stages, however, the plans disappeared without a trace. No one knew quite what happened to them (Though some had rumored to have seen an anonymous wild tax collector scurrying about wearring a rather odd looking paper hat). Numerous attempts were made to duplicate the original plans, but unfortunately, the blob that had designed the orginals accidently impailed itself on a partially chewed pencil droped by a wild tax collector...so the idea was lost forever. More time past....
To be continued...
"Honey, arn't you gonna catch a cold dressed like that?" - Dave
"We're not in the music business, we're in the business of making music." - Edward
"Yeah, I saw a yard gnome once...it didn't scare me." - Space Ghost
[This message has been edited by Alchemy (edited September 21, 2000 at 12:07 PM).]
[This message has been edited by Alchemy (edited September 21, 2000 at 12:10 PM).]
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