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  1. #1
    Good Enough
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    For four months, producers and camerapeople roamed freely through the home of the Osbournes, capturing footage for the reality series named for the first family of heavy metal, so it's probably safe to assume that at least one irreplaceable family heirloom was damaged in the process.

    "No. Only my mind," Ozzy Osbourne said.

    We've always suspected Ozzy had bats in his belfry — even before he bit the head off a live one onstage — and "The Osbournes" confirms those theories. The show portrays Ozzy as the befuddled patriarch, kept in check by his wife/manager Sharon and trying his best to be a good role model for daughter Kelly and son Jack. The perception of The Children of Oz as hellspawn is offset by their rather average adolescent upbringing (sibling rivalries, curfews and disputes about getting a tattoo). And what is perhaps the most surprising aspect of the show is that Ozzy just might be the most level-headed of the bunch.

    John Michael "Ozzy" Osbourne has been famous longer than many of his fans have been alive. As the frontman for Black Sabbath in the '70s, he helped define a new genre of music called heavy metal with harrowingly sung macabre lyrics atop the deeply distorted power chords of Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi. His solo career took off in 1980 with Blizzard of Ozz, on which Osbourne continued to expound upon the occult and the shadowy side of human existence while the music paved the way for all metal bands to come. And the 53-year-old "Iron Man" is still going strong, having released his eighth solo album, Down to Earth, last fall and preparing to headline this summer's Ozzfest.

    Since the March 5 premiere of "The Osbournes," however, Ozzy's celebrity has crossed over from the dark side to the realm of Jennifer Aniston, Ray Romano and James Van Der Beek. The success of the program has turned the self-proclaimed "f---ing prince of f---ing darkness" into the most lovable metal maniac to ever grace the small screen. And the fact that Ozzy appears oblivious to America's fascination with him as an affable tattooed teddy bear only adds to his endearing allure.




    "We didn't play up to
    the cameras, trying to
    be a bit more gross.
    That's the way we are."

    "People on the street were really freaking out — I don't get it, man," he said of his newfound popularity as a TV star. "It's me being me in my house. That's the way we always are." He shrugged his shoulders and raised his eyebrows above his trademark round blue glasses to emphasize his disbelief. "We didn't play up to the cameras, trying to be a bit more gross. That's the way we are."

    Unlike the subjects of other reality shows, the Osbourne family isn't relegated to simply being vulnerable spectacles in a mansion-sized fishbowl. Sharon Osbourne is one of the show's executive producers, so nothing makes it on the air without her approval. She is pretty lenient, however, when it comes to green-lighting potentially embarrassing segments. Viewers at home have been treated to the family discussion of Kelly's pending appointment with the gynecologist, for instance, whom the family repeatedly referred to as the "vagina doctor"; and Ozzy's turning of a simple household chore into a side-splitting laugh riot due to his inability to accomplish any banal task without Herculean effort.

    Next: Ozzy and Sharon beat on each other and Kelly almost has a wobbler ...
    Although the Osbournes ultimately wield the ability to call "cut" if a situation gets too volatile or they're not in the mood to be on display ("Some days, I go, 'Guys, not now!' " Ozzy revealed), the family adamantly claimed nothing about "The Osbournes" is contrived or rehearsed. "It's not some sitcom where you have canned laughter, and after a funny line everybody holds the pose; that's not what we're about," Sharon insisted.

    However, leave it to Jack, everyone's favorite disruptive teenage misfit, to draw the ire of his parents simply to spark a reaction.

    "There were these people [MTV would] bring in just to stand in the background and laugh occasionally," he casually contradicted. "And they did give us these pieces of paper to read from ..."

    The mohawked imp's shot hit its target. "You lie," Sharon lashed out, covering his mouth with her hand.

    "He's got his funny head on tonight," Papa Oz said, employing the parental approach of ignoring a blatant ploy for attention until it goes away. The "oh no, not again" tone of his observation made it clear that it wasn't the first time he'd used this technique with his son.

    The couple's bedroom and bathrooms were the only areas of the house off-limits to observation. While it's nice to have such sanctuary from the cameras' prying eyes, having only two rooms as a safe haven took some adjusting on the part of Ozzy, a bona fide rock star accustomed to doing what he wants, when he wants. Like when nature called after a 1982 show in San Antonio, Texas, he simply dropped trou and relieved himself on the Alamo memorial. Or like when he snorted a trail of ants from the sidewalk while on a tour with Mötley Crüe. Or when he chomped the head off a live dove while in a meeting with record company executives.




    "I'm one of the world's most popular rock stars, and I'm sitting on my can trying to get some peace of mind." Ozzy

    "[One night] I found myself in the dark," Ozzy pondered aloud, "sitting on the toilet going, 'I'm one of the world's most popular rock stars, and I'm sitting in my can in the dark trying to get some peace of mind. Because I know as soon as I walk out there, there are cameras in the walls, in the ceilings, in the bedrooms, plus the guys holding them."

    Ozzy's propensity to get annoyed, coupled with intra-family turmoil, is one of the comedic lynchpins of "The Osbournes."

    "No arguments," Sharon insisted during the interview to Ozzy and Kelly, who were disagreeing over which cameraperson was the clumsiest. "No evils. Please don't give each other the evil eyes." She then instructed her daughter, specifically, "No wobblers."

    Wobblers, as those who witnessed its definition in the first episode, is what the Osbournes call Kelly's tantrums that sometimes result in days spent not speaking to her parents.

    "I'm alright," Kelly reassured her mother.

    Jack, who had remained quiet for far too long, joked, "She needs a hugging."

    "I don't need a hug!" his sister spat.

    The Osbournes weren't always such an affectionate lot. Ozzy and Sharon's early courtship was scarred by everything but the lovey-dovey exchanges portrayed on TV.

    "You've seen the WWF?" Ozzy queried in response to a question about the couple's first date. "It was kind of like that."

    "It was," said Sharon, straight-faced. "We used to drink and we used to beat on each other. It was crazy."

    "You used to beat me up all the time when I was drunk."

    "Sort of," she replied. "We were very wild in the beginning ... Very wild." She looked like she didn't want to elaborate.

    Ozzy and Sharon's volatile relationship mellowed a bit at the birth of their first child, Aimee. The most unreal aspect of this reality show is the perception that Ozzy and Sharon have only two children. Aimee elected not to participate in the program and traded living in the main house for the restricted guest house. She's following in dear old dad's footsteps by pursuing a career in music, though her taste in tunes is closer to Enya than Entombed.

    "It's just her choice," Sharon said of Aimee's decision to alienate herself from the project. "I mean, we're not like you have to do something that you're not comfortable with, and she's into other things right now. She's nearly 19 so she has her own life. And she just decided that right now it wasn't for her."

    Next: Grapefruit-sized dogs panic Ozzy; he just wants to be left alone ...

    The Osbournes don't seem to have many friends on the show, save for actor Elijah Wood, who appeared on the show, and those whom they employ as nannies, assistants or security. They're mostly left to their own devices for amusement, and with their house crawling with strangers for weeks, they were hardly at a loss for outside stimulation, especially when it led to the misfortune of others.

    "There was a sound guy that actually walked into this bell-like thing," Jack recounted. "I don't know what it is, but it fell on him. It's this big, iron, welded ..."

    "It must weigh 300 pounds," Kelly interrupted.

    "... thing with a bell on it ... It fell on the guy and we're just sitting there laughing our asses off while he's stuck under the bell."

    Though they said he sustained a shoulder injury, the audio tech wasn't seriously hurt.

    Along with the abundance of religious imagery and artifacts strewn about the house, the most striking feature of the Osbourne abode is the pack of small dogs that roam the unhallowed halls freely. The family's puppy problems are exemplified in episode two, cleverly titled "Bark at the Moon," after Ozzy's third solo album, released in 1983.

    Word is that Sharon can't pass a pet store without adopting another canine companion, fostering the belief that, as all rumors are rooted in some element of truth, a bevy of pet stores must have come between Sharon Osbourne and her front door since the couple's first pet pooch, Mr. Poop. Their second dog, Bonehead, was given to Ozzy's late guitarist Randy Rhoads.




    Ozzy Deals With
    Doggie-Doo
    Episode 2
    The Osbournes

    Ozzy said that before his wife embarks on any shopping excursions, he's compelled to instruct her not to bring home any four-legged friends. These admonitions might not suffice anymore, though — it seems Sharon passed her instinctive love of animals on to her own litter of pups.

    "We just found out about the world's smallest dog in England," Jack said. "They're breeding them now. It's about this big fully grown." He forms his hands in the shape of an average-size grapefruit.

    "And we might have to have one ..." Sharon warned.

    "No, no, no, no, no, no," Ozzy put his foot down. "If you get one more animal, I'm out!"

    Not only are the dogs constantly underfoot, they're unfortunately prone to leaving care packages about the house. And it's not much consolation that some are at least well-mannered enough to use the bathroom.

    "I'm sitting there for my serenity in the dark," Ozzy said of one particular trip to the loo. "And I'm thinking, it smells rather like animals in here. That's when I notice that there's crap on my bathmat!"

    Language, and the offending use of it, clearly isn't censored in the Osbourne household. One of the first things a viewer notices when watching the show is that the entire family, as well as their nanny Melinda, drops the f-bomb in nearly every sentence. Even the crown jewel of cuss words is an accepted part of the Osbourne vernacular, and the most foul-mouthed sailor wouldn't be too callused to blush in the face of Jack's verbal assault on their neighbors, who conducted a late-night sing-along of "My Girl" obnoxious enough to wake the dead.

    "I got really, really angry at the neighbors," Jack explained. "And I called our neighbor ..."

    "The worst thing you could ever call a woman," Sharon broke in, surprisingly showing a bit of restraint.

    "The C-word," Kelly clarified.

    "About maybe 52 times," Jack proclaimed proudly.

    Besides the trash talk, the family also retaliated by blasting the music of Swedish thrashers Meshuggah, whom Jack personally plucked for this summer's Ozzfest, in his neighbor's yard, and hurling moldy ham, fruit, bread and other objects into their yard.

    If life as an Osbourne was difficult before, it must be doubly so now, as metal fans and foes alike are tuning in each week to glimpse the closeted life of a middle-aged rock star. For someone who successfully met most every goal he's set for himself — from continuing to make strides in music to annually performing on Ozzfest — Ozzy's ultimate goal may be farther from reach than ever.

    "All I want is to be left alone," he said. "Me and my family to be left alone. You don't play parties outside with karaoke machines at four o'clock in the morning. That's when you're asking for an Osbourne war."

    And let the consequences felt by the disruptive neighbor in episode four be a lesson to anyone even remotely considering not letting Ozzy's family rest in peace — a war with the Osbournes is a conflict best avoided.
    This is home, this is Mean Street!<br /><br /><b><br />Then one year you find ten years have gotten behind, no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun. - Pink Floyd, Time</b><br /><br />"Everyone knows that Van Halen with Roth is the only real Van Halen."- Mike Tramp<br /><br /><a href="http://www.vhforums.com/vhlforum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=12;t=001366&p=66#00 1635" target="_blank"> OBEY THE DFK!!</a>

  2. #2
    Webmaster/Graphic Artist Top Timmy's Avatar
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    10.28.16 @ 08:45 PM
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    Hey MS, ya think maybe next time you can just provide a link for us instead of clogging up the board.

    This isn't the first time you've been asked to do this. [img]graemlins/irked.gif[/img]
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  3. #3
    Webmaster/Graphic Artist Top Timmy's Avatar
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    We also already have a thread for the Osbournes. I'm going to close this.

    MS, you know where the tread is.
    Webmaster/Graphic Artist
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