Rock Star: Maxim

Where death is just a new creative direction.

Maxim Online, August 2005

By David Peisner

As INXS has taught us with their classy new reality show, Rock Star: INXS, there’s no reason to let the untimely death of your lead singer put the kibosh on your band’s bid for fame and riches. After all, there are thousands of outsized egos just waiting to have an outsized spotlight shined on them. So we decided to do a little matchmaking.

Nirvana
How It Ended: Kurt Cobain shot himself in the head in 1994.
New Singer: Courtney Love
Why It Might Work: Since Courtney’s always battling for her share of Nirvana’s dough, she may as well start earning it.
Why It Might Not: For starters, Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic hate her nearly as much as she hates bath water. Plus, at the pace she’s going these days, she’s an odds-on favorite to join her husband in the celebrity death club before the year is out.
Hit Single: “Rape Him”

Sublime
How It Ended: Lead singer Brad Nowell died of a heroin overdose in 1996.
New Singer: Don Ho
Why It Might Work: Don Ho is the originator of the pathologically laid-back beach bum persona that Nowell worked to cultivate.
Why It Might Not: The 75-year-old Ho might not be psyched about spending his summers playing second fiddle to 15-year-old skateboarders on the Warped Tour.
Hit Single: “Tiny Bubbles In My Bongwater”

Blind Melon
How It Ended: Frontman Shannon Hoon dropped dead of an apparent drug overdose on the tour bus in 1995.
New Singer: Axl Rose
Why It Might Work: Hoon sang backup and appeared as an Axl look-alike in the Guns ‘n Roses video for “Don’t Cry.” The ever-polite Axl will obviously want to return the favor.
Why It Might Not: Because Axl is busy finishing the new GNR album, Chinese Democracy. No really, he is. Just like he's back to his late-'80s singing weight and supermodel magnetism.
Hit Single: “Used to Love Her, But I Had to Kill Her (Bee Girl version)”

Bob Marley & The Wailers
How It Ended: Marley died of cancer in 1981.
New Singer: Wyclef Jean
Why It Might Work: This would be the perfect opportunity for Wyclef to put the finishing touches on that Bob Marley impersonation he's spent the last decade building a career on. Plus, he can finally one-up his Fugee rival Lauryn Hill, who capped her Marley fixation by marrying one of his kids.
Why It Might Not: Not sure how graying Rastafarians will respond to a dude in a white Armani suit and bowler’s hat. And if Clef starts rapping, all bets are off.
Hit Single: “No Lauryn, No Cry”

Lynyrd Skynyrd
How It Ended: A 1977 plane crash killed lead singer Ronnie Van Zandt. His brother Johnny began carrying the Skynyrd flame, tribute band–style, in the late-'80s.
New Singer: Jeff Foxworthy
Why It Might Work: Drunken rednecks at Skynyrd shows aren’t likely to know the difference. Even if they do, they’re not likely to care as long as the beer doesn’t run out.
Why It Might Not: While his mustache is a good fit, his acid-washed straight-leg Levi's would clash with the band's style worse than brevity.
Hit Single: “You Might Be a Redneck if You Just Yelled ‘Freebird’”

The Beatles
How It Ended: John Lennon was shot dead in 1980, ending any possibility of a Fab Four reunion.
New Singer: Sammy Hagar
Why It Might Work: Whoever replaces Lennon is in for mountains of abuse from hardcore Beatlemaniacs—might as well get a guy with experience ducking angry critics, fans, and band mates.
Why It Might Not: Two words: Yoko Ono
Hit Single: “Lucy in the Sky With Cabo Wabo Tequila”

Lynyrd Skynyrd
How It Ended: A 1977 plane crash killed lead singer Ronnie Van Zandt. His brother Johnny began carrying the Skynyrd flame, tribute band–style, in the late-'80s.
New Singer: Jeff Foxworthy
Why It Might Work: Drunken rednecks at Skynyrd shows aren’t likely to know the difference. Even if they do, they’re not likely to care as long as the beer doesn’t run out.
Why It Might Not: While his mustache is a good fit, his acid-washed straight-leg Levi's would clash with the band's style worse than brevity.
Hit Single: “You Might Be a Redneck if You Just Yelled ‘Freebird’”

:funny: Sad that Johnny had to kill the legacy. Sorry, but I don't expect to hear every bar band in America get requests to play "Red, White, and Blue" anytime soon.

The Sammy reference was funny, too. With Sam singing for them, they'd become the Beachles.

The Beatles
How It Ended: John Lennon was shot dead in 1980, ending any possibility of a Fab Four reunion.
New Singer: Sammy Hagar
Why It Might Work: Whoever replaces Lennon is in for mountains of abuse from hardcore Beatlemaniacs—might as well get a guy with experience ducking angry critics, fans, and band mates.
Why It Might Not: Two words: Yoko Ono
Hit Single: “Lucy in the Sky With Cabo Wabo Tequila”

_____________________________

:wtf: Did they not hear that George Harrison died too?

Hmm. Here's one you left off? Maybe your copy and paste didn't work? :confused:

Van Halen
How It Ended: They can't get along with Dave and Sammy would rather put up with his tequila instead of Ed's wine.
New Singer: :wtf: Do you want to start the flames here...SOME CHICK picked by Gary
Why It Might Work:There enough Eddie guitar freaks to fill stadiums...many are at this site called "VHLINKS".
Why It Might Not: The ARMY and REDHEADS may post too much BULLSHIT
Hit Single: "History of The Trinity"... (The Army, The Redheads and some guy named Gary)

Feel free to edit this writers post... :D

:wtf: Did they not hear that George Harrison died too?

I was going to bring that up. I'm sure Maxim's gonna get an earfull about that oversite.

Definitely funny about Sam in the Beatles. Here's how I imagine the VH part looking:

Van Halen
How It Ended: Ed decided to ruin a great thing by drinking himself into oblivion
New Singer: Michael Anthony. Seems like he's the only one left who is willing to put up with Ed's nonsense.
Why It Might Work: See above
Why It Might Not: Everyone has a breaking point.

Hmm. Here's one you left off? Maybe your copy and paste didn't work? :confused:

Van Halen
How It Ended: They can't get along with Dave and Sammy would rather put up with his tequila instead of Ed's wine.
New Singer: :wtf: Do you want to start the flames here...SOME CHICK picked by Gary
Why It Might Work:There enough Eddie guitar freaks to fill stadiums...many are at this site called "VHLINKS".
Why It Might Not: The ARMY and REDHEADS may post too much BULLSHIT
Hit Single: "History of The Trinity"... (The Army, The Redheads and some guy named Gary)

Feel free to edit this writers post... :D

:funny:

That's a good one!!! :thumb:
No edits required. :sssh:

The Beatles
How It Ended: John Lennon was shot dead in 1980, ending any possibility of a Fab Four reunion.
New Singer: Sammy Hagar
Why It Might Work: Whoever replaces Lennon is in for mountains of abuse from hardcore Beatlemaniacs—might as well get a guy with experience ducking angry critics, fans, and band mates.
Why It Might Not: Two words: Yoko Ono
Hit Single: “Lucy in the Sky With Cabo Wabo Tequila”




_____________________________

:wtf: Did they not hear that George Harrison died too?



I think it's b/c Lennon was the first to die, therefore ending the possibility right there...I don't think it was a slight on George at all, at least not intentional.